Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

Archive for the ‘Success’ Category

This is the latest in a series on dealing with control issues.

There are bosses who try to micromanage everything in order to control the outcome, and what do they accomplish? They alienate their people, get no buy-in or support, and ultimately scramble to achieve their goals.

How does it feel when someone is trying to control you? Not good. I kind of like my free will, and I’m pretty sure you like it, too. I don’t like someone telling me when or where or how or why. I like to feel that others respect and value my judgment enough to let me do my best – whether the issue is professional or personal. I welcome constructive criticism because others can see places where I can improve my game. But I don’t welcome the hovering presence of a control freak who is so neurotic that he or she can’t let me be my best self.

You can probably imagine that I am inclined to fight back when that happens. But I am floored by the legions of people who find themselves in jobs, relationships, friendships and other situations where they get pushed around. There is certainly no shortage of controlling partners who will pick away until they have wiped out the confidence and self-direction of a less-assertive partner. If you find yourself being pushed around by someone who acts like he or she knows better than you, you’ve got to take responsibility for giving your power away. You are the one allowing it and you’ve got to ask yourself why. Do you need someone to tell you how to do things their way or do you need to find someone who respects you enough to let you do it yourself?

I know a woman whose husband controls everything, from how she styles her hair to when (and how) they are going to be intimate. She is always telling me, “I feel so out of control,” and she is – because she lets herself be bullied and lets someone else dominate her world. Sometimes you have to take chances – at the risk of a relationship – in order to salvage your individual self. You have to honor who you are, or you are no one at all.

How do you do that? By setting boundaries and making choices. I have had more than one bullying boss, and I learned to deal with them in different ways. One guy was normally loveable, but he had a terrible temper that would blow before he got all the information he needed. This was back when I was a reporter and he blew up at me in the middle of the newsroom, yelling because he thought I didn’t do an assignment, but I’d done it –he just looked for it in the wrong computer file.

 “Don’t ever yell at me in public like that again,” I told him as I pulled him into his office. “It is unprofessional and I am not going to take it. Second, I did the assignment. It’s right where it is supposed to be. You have made a big scene out there based on your bad information and now you need to go out there and publicly set the record straight.” And, he did. He apologized right in front of everyone.

But, another bullying boss would blow up at everybody and, when he blew up at me, there was no setting him straight. That was the way he was. He didn’t care about being fair or decent. He didn’t care about how we felt about how we were treated. He walked around the room with his “I’m the boss!” attitude and, believe me, he was the boss. At least, until I decided that he wasn’t.

It is amazing how much power an individual can have over you until you decide you have had enough and take the steps to make change. In this case, I had enough, did my resume and got another job. Once I moved on, he couldn’t control another single thing in my life.

When others have control over you, it is because you relinquish it to them. You are not a prison inmate who has relinquished your right to live and breathe in the way that you choose. But, you do have the decision to stay in controlling relationships and controlling work environments – or not.

You can fire your boss. You can dump a bullying spouse or partner.  It may not seem like you are in charge of your own life, but you are.

This is the first in a series of posts on dealing with control issues.

I always say, “Make a plan for what you want to do with your life. It’s the greatest piece of fiction you will ever write.”

Truly. Life unfolds. You cannot force, command, direct, ordain, bully, manage or control it. You just can’t. As soon as you think you have everything all figured out, you slam right into an obstacle. There goes the plan.

If we could control life, we’d all have millions in the bank, excellent health, gorgeous spouses or partners, perfectly behaved children, fully functional families and, well, you get what I mean. Life would be oh-so-pretty on every given day. It would be predictable and it would be fair.

It would also be boring.

There is so much in life that is out of our control, yet we feel some urge to manage the unmanageable to achieve the outcome we want. We want people to think, react and behave  the way we want them to. We want our efforts to be successful. We want to know where we are headed, but sometimes we just can’t.

You could be on the greatest run of your career, only to find out that you have cancer. You get it together, adjust your plan of what is ahead and gear up to do what you have to do to beat the disease. But, sometimes it isn’t up to you. Sometimes, life comes at you in ways that are brutal and unfair. It’s all part of the growth experience.

You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction. Look at how many people have been shocked to learn their spouses have been cheating or living secret lives. And how many people have devoted their lives to companies that were quick to dismiss them when times got tough. Look how many people thought they had secure retirements, only to see their investments disappear.

Life is fragile and unpredictable. It turns on a dime. One day you are healthy, the next day you are not. One day you are happily married, the next day you are not. One day you are gainfully employed, the next day you are not. We are constantly faced with an uncertainty that is so unsettling to some that, rather than learning to ride the waves, they try in vain to control the tide.

Life can’t be controlled.

She was 40, successful and had just been canned because her boss told her she had “an edge.”

“Why do I scare the hell out of people?” she asked me. “People either love me or hate me. I am told I need to tone it down, not to push so hard. I’ve been called a ‘bitch.’ What do I need to do?”

 I wondered:  “Why the hell are you asking me that?  That’s my problem.”

 That conversation happened eight years ago in front of seven senior executives who’d coaxed me into hopping into rental cars and heading for a Mexican border town after I’d done the keynote for their women’s leadership conference. They assumed that I had all the answers. Not that time.

 That woman had bared a raw truth that, after a few more drinks, every one of the other executives shared. They, too, felt like misfits. Outsiders. They had achieved so much success, power and authority, but they’d always gotten nailed when they exerted a little force. People sniped behind their backs, “Do you know what she’s done this time?” As managers, they were hired to shake things up, make things better, or improve the bottom line, but when they made changes, they were met with a resounding chorus of, “That bitch!”

That conversation led me to interview everyone from Hillary Clinton to Arianna Huffington to Susan Sarandon for my book, Mustang Sallies which I am not mentioning here as a transparent attempt to boost sales. I bring it up because it was published five years ago and women are still feeling the same pain.

 Things have gotten better because more women are in power and fewer men are surprised to see them there. In fact, there are legions of good men who are championing this generation of women executives so they will be more effective and successful. I don’t hear the word “bitch” as often as I used to. I see women going faster and farther. But, have we resolved the issues that kept that woman feeling watched and judged? No.

There are still things women leaders can and cannot do because we are still operating in a restricted zone of operation. We are not to say things with the same tone as men. If we’re too nice, we are seen as too weak. If we’re too strong, we’re controlling. If we’re too direct, we’ve got an edge. If we defend ourselves, we’re hysterical.

It goes on and on.  Two nights ago, I dined with senior executive women working for three of America’s largest corporations. We basically had the same exact conversation I’d had with those women who’d gone to Mexico with me. These successful women still feel they are maneuvering through that tiny zone of operation. One woman told me about receiving an e-mail that had accidentally been copied to her by a vender who called her “crazy” and complained that she was being overbearing trying to get them to deliver what they were contracted to deliver.

 That made me sad. I’d seen an e-mail like that written about me about a dozen years ago. And then there was the office Christmas party where a drunken employee in the buffet line blurted, “I hear you are a real bitch.”  I was crushed. I thought to myself, “I am not a bitch. I am a big marshmallow with real feelings that hurt. I’m just trying to do a good job. Don’t you get that?”

I didn’t understand that strong, bold women give off an energy that threatens insecure people. We have to watch every word so we aren’t misinterpreted.  So, if you’re wondering what to do to be more effective, try these steps:  

1. If you are angry about something, try to wait a day to say or write anything. Cool down as much as you can.
2. Always re-read every bit of your correspondence out loud, and do it in the shrillest, bitchiest tone of voice possible – because that may well be the way it is interpreted.
3. Do not immediately defend yourself if you are told you have messed up. You have every right to make your point, but do it with a plan and don’t do it when you are emotional.
4. Avoid crying. We are hormonal beings and it will happen. But, try to avoid it. When you feel it coming, go to the bathroom, go get a drink of water or do something else to stop or hide the tears.
5. Understand that your job is not to win every battle, but rather, to survive to fight another day.
6. Ask others what they think you are communicating and make sure it’s a match.
7. If others are gossiping about you, do not be afraid to confront it and say, “I would much rather we talk directly and keep our communication open.”
8. Build a strong, powerful support group around you to validate you when others are tearing you down.

I came home from the Executive Leader’s Forum last week with a negativity hangover. News on the business front is truly harsh these days. The bottom line is, if you are waiting this recession out and hoping you’ll just hang on until things get back to normal, you are making a mistake. This is the new reality. It’s the “new normal.”

It’s not all bleak — especially if you can grasp the seismic paradigm shift and adapt quickly.

The conference was for 120 of the nation’s most senior business executives. They are people I admire and enjoy tremendously.

Their point was that people’s values and habits changed in an instant — and aren’t going to change back. Society isn’t spending like it used to — and it won’t. People and companies are deliberating before buying. They are contemplating whether they actually need what they are buying, rather than just buying because they want something. Buying for “want” symbolizes excess — and that is now seen a gauche. The leaders at the conference don’t see the trend ever switching back, which is why retailers are having to dance fast to figure out how to service their changing customers. If people are opting to buy store-brand cheese and canned goods over the tried-and-true brand names, what can a brand name do? That’s the challenge.

Especially since, as individuals in the marketplace, we are all our own brand name products.

It’s also the opportunity, something that fits with the theme of my new book, Finding the UP in the Downturn. The daily dose of bad news is so bleak that people are giving up. But, for those who don’t, there is a huge opportunity to succeed. Like Shelley Broader (president of Michaels) told us, there is no better time to start a business than when the price of real estate, labor and equipment are at rock bottom prices. Instead of contracting, we have to figure out how to smartly expand by exploiting the new reality to our advantage.

All of this involves a personal awakening and acceptance. We have to accept that the rules have changed, and brainstorm ways to fit our talents to the new demands that have been created. We have to be relentless.

If you are looking for an excuse to give up, you don’t have to look far. But, if you give up, things aren’t going to suddenly return to normal when the recession ends.

This is the sobering new reality, and we’ve all got work to do to decide where we fit into it. That means studying our industries, our clients and our competition. It means learning our technology and knowing where it is going. It’s taking action without being 100 percent sure of the result because there is no more 100 percent certainty in anything. It’s having the confidence and courage to know that we are moving forward and, when we are doing it wrong, we can change quickly and right our course.

Bad news can wear down our confidence, but only if we let it. This is the time to make up our minds that we will be winners in the new reality.

What’s your first step? Open your eyes. The challenge isn’t going to go away, so what do you need to do?

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of five books, including one that was an Oprah pick. She is a four-time, Pulitzer-nominated journalist and an internationally acclaimed keynote speaker who has been hired by some of the world’s largest corporations to share her message of opportunity and leadership.

I have a friend who is on the brink of losing everything. Her home. Her savings. Her retirement…

It isn’t pretty. She says it’s a matter of weeks before she bottoms out.

This year, we are learning to redefine “bottoming out.” I have had several friends give up their homes, spend down their savings and drain their retirement funds.  On paper, they have nothing. But, they are showing a resilience that is profound. They are finding out what they are made of, and counting on support from people who love them. As bad as things get, they still hang in there to fight another day. At some point, the days do get easier.

We’ve learned so much about loss and sacrifice this year, particularly when it comes to a concept like “security.” Most people deluded themselves into thinking their secure jobs meant secure futures, but their jobs were not secure. The only thing any of us can really count on is our own resilience. Let go of the things that don’t matter and build your own security once more. There is security in the knowledge that, the less you have, the less you have to fight to protect. You can downsize yourself out of a lot of headaches.

Sure, the future is uncertain — but, it always was. Just get up every day and have faith. It’ll all work out.

I’m hearing from so many of you who so depleted by the economy and so worried about how you will make it through this year. This is such an obstacle course.

It is hard to stay up when you constantly feel your efforts are being beaten down, but your ability to get up every time you are pushed down is what will get you through this. Keep trying. Don’t wear your suffering on your face.

I have several clients who are truly struggling because they still haven’t found work months after being laid off. We hear so much about the economic crisis, but this is a very human crisis that has forced once-successful professionals into depressions because they keep “losing” at everything they try. Here are some simple suggestions on what to do to keep your mind in the game. It really is much easier than it seems:

1. Circumstances are beating everybody up — not just you. Don’t take things personally, no matter how many times you are passed over, rejected or ignored. There are millions of people in the same boat.
2. Stay optimistic. Do not EVER worry that the troubles you have now will last forever or they will last forever. Tell yourself that you are tough enough to outlast any crisis.
3. When you fall down, get back up. Every time.
4. Don’t give yourself brain damage trying to “force” a fix. Sometimes, things fix themselves if you stop pushing so hard.
5. Don’t sacrifice this year or any other to misery. Find something in your world that makes you happy and make time to enjoy that whenever you can.
6. Don’t show desperation. It doesn’t help anything and people, for some reason, don’t like helping desperate people. Desperation makes people uncomfortable.
7. Count your blessings the first thing in the morning and the last thing in the evening.

Hang in there. You’ll get through this.

On Sunday, I received a call from a woman who is days away from certain layoff. We’d talked a few weeks ago and, already, her attitude had sunk from determined and hopeful to defeated and frantic. I want to share the conversation because it is relevant to others who are struggling in today’s job market.

Her: I’m looking around and nobody is finding anything and everybody is a short time away from bottoming out and we’re all pushing 50 and none of us is going to get a job and…

Fawn: This is especially hard because so many of your friends are going through the same thing. I hate to say it, but you have to minimize your exposure to the other people you know who are struggling. Their worries are pulling you down. If you can’t compartmentalize it, then you have got to cut it off. You and I are sensitive people and when people we love are in pain, we feel it and carry it. You’ve really sunk in the last month and it is because you see what everyone else is going through and it is making you lose hope for yourself. You have to control it.

But I don’t have long before I bottom out. All of my money is tied up in this house. If I don’t sell it within the month…

Fawn: Get your brain out of that negativity loop. It’s not going to help you. If you don’t sell your house, what will happen? You’ll survive. Even if you wind up going into foreclosure, you will survive. You will never  be eating out of a garbage can. You know you will always, always be all right. You have to know in your gut that it will all work out because then, it will all work out.

I don’t know how to stop it.

Give yourself 30 minutes a day for worry. That is it. Pick your time. It can be from 3 to 3:30 in the afternoon. Or 11 to 11:30 in the morning. Or, whenever. But, that is it. No more worry than that.

I am tired of the rejection. I sit for interviews for jobs that should be mine — I am perfectly qualified AND I know the people, so I am networked the way I need to be networked. But, I don’t get the jobs.

Fawn: It takes time. The first thing you have to understand is that you don’t get a job just because it seems like you are destined to get it. Or that you are the most qualified. I’ve applied for things that had my name all over them and I didn’t even get the interview. You are getting interviews. That is fantastic. Sooner or later, the right thing will come to you.

The mistake I see others making is that they work like hell to get their resumes out there the first month, then they get frustrated and only send packets out when they hear of something. You have to treat this like a full-time job. That means you send out at least 10 inquiries a day. Every single day. And remember that most of the jobs worth having are not being advertised. Managers don’t want to sift through a thousand resumes, so they are asking friends and colleagues who they know who is available. That means you now have to focus on networking more than ever.

Her: I can’t stand the rejection.

Fawn: It is a terrible market, but you have to remember that the more you apply for, the greater your odds. You have got to be out there — everywhere — and something will work. It is doing this every day, for months, until you blast through. But, you have to know that you will blast through because, you manifest what you think. If you think you’ll spend the next year or two suffering, you will spend the next year or two suffering.

I’ve got some fiction-writing clients who I coach professionally and I tell them that they can’t whine about how mean the publishing business is until they’ve got 100 rejections under their belts. It’s kind of like paying your dues. You are doing that now. Just keep persevering.

I feel terrible.

Fawn: Are you exercising?

I haven’t been, but I am going to today.

seeker the dark is rising the divx

Fawn: That is the single most important thing you must do, without fail. You have to let your body work to help you. If you take care of it, it will take care of you. Your pheromones will make you feel better, and that lift will keep you going. If you are not exercising 30 minutes every single day, you MUST. It is a non-negotiable.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of five books. She is one of the nation’s most sought-after professional speakers on leadership, performance and success.

It’s been a week since the Rocky Mountain News published its final edition. Some of my old colleagues have forged on, using the Internet to keep the Rocky’s spirit alive at www.iwantmyrocky.com. This is pretty revolutionary stuff.

It reminds me of the time the IRS shut down a Popeye’s Chicken franchise in Denver. The next morning, the employees opened up and cooked and sold the remaining chicken so they would get paid for the week. Granted, they got in a lot of trouble, but I really loved that they banded together and carried on.

That is what these former Rocky staffers are doing. They can still do great journalism without the hard copy of the newspaper. Instead of surrendering, they are fighting back with their talent. I’ve always said, your job may not last but your talent does. This website is proof.  I hope it will become profitable and a template for other reporters who find themselves losing out in this economy.

Please visit their site and click on their ads to drive up revenues and support these swashbuckling reporters. And, pass on the word.

I felt so bad that the tradition of Rocky founder William Byers was dying with that last edition, but it’s not. This is exactly what Byers would have wanted.

Again: www.iwantmyrocky.com!

The following quote was in the footer of an e-mail I got yesterday:

watch universal soldier the return in divx “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you.. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.” Mother Teresa

Amazing. Every time I find myself needing a little boost, one of these messages comes to me by happenstance. No kidding. Every single time.

I was thinking…

If I needed to see it, maybe you would too.