Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

Archive for the ‘Risk’ Category

This is the latest in a series on dealing with control issues.

There are bosses who try to micromanage everything in order to control the outcome, and what do they accomplish? They alienate their people, get no buy-in or support, and ultimately scramble to achieve their goals.

How does it feel when someone is trying to control you? Not good. I kind of like my free will, and I’m pretty sure you like it, too. I don’t like someone telling me when or where or how or why. I like to feel that others respect and value my judgment enough to let me do my best – whether the issue is professional or personal. I welcome constructive criticism because others can see places where I can improve my game. But I don’t welcome the hovering presence of a control freak who is so neurotic that he or she can’t let me be my best self.

You can probably imagine that I am inclined to fight back when that happens. But I am floored by the legions of people who find themselves in jobs, relationships, friendships and other situations where they get pushed around. There is certainly no shortage of controlling partners who will pick away until they have wiped out the confidence and self-direction of a less-assertive partner. If you find yourself being pushed around by someone who acts like he or she knows better than you, you’ve got to take responsibility for giving your power away. You are the one allowing it and you’ve got to ask yourself why. Do you need someone to tell you how to do things their way or do you need to find someone who respects you enough to let you do it yourself?

I know a woman whose husband controls everything, from how she styles her hair to when (and how) they are going to be intimate. She is always telling me, “I feel so out of control,” and she is – because she lets herself be bullied and lets someone else dominate her world. Sometimes you have to take chances – at the risk of a relationship – in order to salvage your individual self. You have to honor who you are, or you are no one at all.

How do you do that? By setting boundaries and making choices. I have had more than one bullying boss, and I learned to deal with them in different ways. One guy was normally loveable, but he had a terrible temper that would blow before he got all the information he needed. This was back when I was a reporter and he blew up at me in the middle of the newsroom, yelling because he thought I didn’t do an assignment, but I’d done it –he just looked for it in the wrong computer file.

 “Don’t ever yell at me in public like that again,” I told him as I pulled him into his office. “It is unprofessional and I am not going to take it. Second, I did the assignment. It’s right where it is supposed to be. You have made a big scene out there based on your bad information and now you need to go out there and publicly set the record straight.” And, he did. He apologized right in front of everyone.

But, another bullying boss would blow up at everybody and, when he blew up at me, there was no setting him straight. That was the way he was. He didn’t care about being fair or decent. He didn’t care about how we felt about how we were treated. He walked around the room with his “I’m the boss!” attitude and, believe me, he was the boss. At least, until I decided that he wasn’t.

It is amazing how much power an individual can have over you until you decide you have had enough and take the steps to make change. In this case, I had enough, did my resume and got another job. Once I moved on, he couldn’t control another single thing in my life.

When others have control over you, it is because you relinquish it to them. You are not a prison inmate who has relinquished your right to live and breathe in the way that you choose. But, you do have the decision to stay in controlling relationships and controlling work environments – or not.

You can fire your boss. You can dump a bullying spouse or partner.  It may not seem like you are in charge of your own life, but you are.

This is the first in a series of posts on dealing with control issues.

I always say, “Make a plan for what you want to do with your life. It’s the greatest piece of fiction you will ever write.”

Truly. Life unfolds. You cannot force, command, direct, ordain, bully, manage or control it. You just can’t. As soon as you think you have everything all figured out, you slam right into an obstacle. There goes the plan.

If we could control life, we’d all have millions in the bank, excellent health, gorgeous spouses or partners, perfectly behaved children, fully functional families and, well, you get what I mean. Life would be oh-so-pretty on every given day. It would be predictable and it would be fair.

It would also be boring.

There is so much in life that is out of our control, yet we feel some urge to manage the unmanageable to achieve the outcome we want. We want people to think, react and behave  the way we want them to. We want our efforts to be successful. We want to know where we are headed, but sometimes we just can’t.

You could be on the greatest run of your career, only to find out that you have cancer. You get it together, adjust your plan of what is ahead and gear up to do what you have to do to beat the disease. But, sometimes it isn’t up to you. Sometimes, life comes at you in ways that are brutal and unfair. It’s all part of the growth experience.

You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction. Look at how many people have been shocked to learn their spouses have been cheating or living secret lives. And how many people have devoted their lives to companies that were quick to dismiss them when times got tough. Look how many people thought they had secure retirements, only to see their investments disappear.

Life is fragile and unpredictable. It turns on a dime. One day you are healthy, the next day you are not. One day you are happily married, the next day you are not. One day you are gainfully employed, the next day you are not. We are constantly faced with an uncertainty that is so unsettling to some that, rather than learning to ride the waves, they try in vain to control the tide.

Life can’t be controlled.

I have a friend who is on the brink of losing everything. Her home. Her savings. Her retirement…

It isn’t pretty. She says it’s a matter of weeks before she bottoms out.

This year, we are learning to redefine “bottoming out.” I have had several friends give up their homes, spend down their savings and drain their retirement funds.  On paper, they have nothing. But, they are showing a resilience that is profound. They are finding out what they are made of, and counting on support from people who love them. As bad as things get, they still hang in there to fight another day. At some point, the days do get easier.

We’ve learned so much about loss and sacrifice this year, particularly when it comes to a concept like “security.” Most people deluded themselves into thinking their secure jobs meant secure futures, but their jobs were not secure. The only thing any of us can really count on is our own resilience. Let go of the things that don’t matter and build your own security once more. There is security in the knowledge that, the less you have, the less you have to fight to protect. You can downsize yourself out of a lot of headaches.

Sure, the future is uncertain — but, it always was. Just get up every day and have faith. It’ll all work out.

It’s been a week since the Rocky Mountain News published its final edition. Some of my old colleagues have forged on, using the Internet to keep the Rocky’s spirit alive at www.iwantmyrocky.com. This is pretty revolutionary stuff.

It reminds me of the time the IRS shut down a Popeye’s Chicken franchise in Denver. The next morning, the employees opened up and cooked and sold the remaining chicken so they would get paid for the week. Granted, they got in a lot of trouble, but I really loved that they banded together and carried on.

That is what these former Rocky staffers are doing. They can still do great journalism without the hard copy of the newspaper. Instead of surrendering, they are fighting back with their talent. I’ve always said, your job may not last but your talent does. This website is proof.  I hope it will become profitable and a template for other reporters who find themselves losing out in this economy.

Please visit their site and click on their ads to drive up revenues and support these swashbuckling reporters. And, pass on the word.

I felt so bad that the tradition of Rocky founder William Byers was dying with that last edition, but it’s not. This is exactly what Byers would have wanted.

Again: www.iwantmyrocky.com!

There is a right way to make change. There is a wrong way to make change. Any beginning leadership book will tell you that. It will tell you about getting input from others so that you create the buy-in that will make you successful. It will tell you how to stage change so things are not too painfully drastic. It will tell you how to communicate your vision, and all of the basics.

Just remember one thing. You are dealing with human beings.

Your people are not FTEs on an organizational chart. They are human beings with feelings, who want to feel secure, needed and valued. They have families. They have stresses at home. They have health concerns, financial worries and a full menu of personal insecurities. They may work with you because they love their work, or because they need the paycheck, or both. But, they are counting on you.

Whatever vision you have, remember their feelings. We can try to teach everyone to love change because change is the one certainty in corporate life these days, but guess what? There are legions of people who will never love change. It’s not in them. They feel safe when things are predictable and they know the territory. They don’t want to have to prove themselves over and over again. They may have seen dozens of change agents or countless change plans come down from above. They have worked for good managers and bad managers, and may take pride in the fact that they’ve outlasted the worst of them.

They may not be easy to manage or lead, but remember, they are human beings. The universe begins and ends with them. They see everything through their own prism, which is not your prism. They don’t automatically appreciate your ideas or plans. They may be negative or cynical because they are afraid.

As a leader, you sometimes have to assume the role of parent – whether you think that is your job or not. “Because I said so” is the worst explanation for change, so take care to articulate the reasoning for your decisions. Sometimes, all you need to do is say, “Here is where we are, here is where we need to be, this is how we can get here and this is how you are critical to our success.”

If you are expecting more from people, show them what’s in it for them. It’s not enough to say, “Do this and you get to keep your job.” Instill a little pride in them for their company and show how they are key to making it succeed.

Change is unsettling. There is a little bit of hand-holding that has to go on just because of the insecure nature of people, and even if you think it is unnecessary, it really is your job to go to your people and lead them – not order them. That means finding ways to get them to follow you. You may be able to order your people to do certain tasks or job, but followership means they pitch in and propel the success of your vision.

Change is more visible and rapid-fire as leaders jostle to protect their companies during tough times. They cut budgets, transfer resources, try new procedures, move people around, take things away, start using new terms, voice new visions and continually shake things up in hopes of doing what they have to do in order to weather the storm. Sometimes, their decisions make sense immediately. Sometimes, they don’t, Sometimes, things work out. Sometimes they don’t.

If you aren’t the rule-maker, your “buy-in” will be appreciated by those who are making all the change. Sometimes it is hard to offer that buy-in, especially if the change is radical or if you know in your gut that it won’t work. You may be able to help influence change by giving useful feedback that might steer things another way, but there will be times when you have to conform in order to be viewed as a valuable team player.

When it comes to change:

• Your first job is to survive to fight another day. You might have the greatest ideas in the world, but it won’t matter if you wind up labeled a naysayer, trouble-maker or whiner. Choose the battles you can win, and fight them so you remain effective to fight again.

• Don’t be too quick to dismiss other people and their wild ideas. There will be times when your own biases will stand in the way of your growth. Approach change with an open and receptive attitude so you can always be part of the solution – not the problem.

• People wrongly assume that status quo implies a certain degree of security. There is no security in this world – just look at the number of people who banked on it and were laid off. Security comes from within, knowing you can face any obstacle and adapt to any change.

• Even if you don’t like what is going on, find a way to build your own success within the new constructs. What can you contribute? How can you make yourself more valuable?

Always, always, always behave in a way that makes you viewed as part of the solution – not part of the problem.

• When news of change first comes down, stifle your initial reaction. You may be reacting to the fact that you don’t like change in general, not to the actual change you are facing.
• Do not complain about what is going on to your colleagues. This will tag you as an impediment to your leader’s success, and even if the change concept is misdirected, you won’t want to be seen as a trouble-maker.
• If you are asked for input, give it – constructively. Don’t overdo it. Figure out what you can say that will actually make a difference, and voice your ideas in a way that creates an opportunity for you to take on more responsibility and help move things along.
• If you disagree so completely with the change occurring around you, it may be time to pack up your talent and move on.

There still are a few work environments where the old boss is still in charge doing the same old things the old way. But, those situations are definitely the exception. Today’s workplace has changed. And changed.

Last night, I had dinner with a Wal-Mart executive who explained the whole rap on Gen X and Y workers who care more about free time and self satisfaction than playing by the old rules that all of us Boomers conformed to.

“I had one come to me and talk to me about flex time,” she said. “I said, you want to come in at 8:30 and leave at 6:30? And he said, I want to find a way to take off every other Friday.” I started to “Tsk” out loud, but she stopped me. “I’ll give it to these Gen X & Yers every time. The boomers are there at their desks working all day and all night every day and the young ones text this and do that with the computer and they come in and at 4:30 it is all done and it’s perfect. So, WE have to find a way to work with THEM.”

That’s change. It’s generational, it’s cultural and it really takes an advanced soul to open up to it so easily because it is so absolutely radical. I never would have envisioned telling my boss I expected to get every other Friday off – and getting it. As a leader, my natural reaction would be to say to myself, “What a snot-nosed brat.” But, we are operating in an ever-changing world where our ability to change and adapt will shape our ability to be effective and succeed. I thought that executive was describing presumptuous work ethics of these young people. But her thinking had evolved far beyond mine. She saw their approach as different, and found a way to leave her realm and go into that younger realm to be effective. That is the mark of a good leader.

So many variables affect our work. Everything from office politics to the price of gas can force us to change the way we do business. We can stubbornly hold onto our old comfort zones, or we can make a mind shift. Change is so ever-present in this world. Accept it. Grow up about it. Stop whining. We may have enjoyed a very nice comfort zone back when things moved slower , but that zone is gone. Things do not move slowly any longer.

When I started my career, there were only three ways to transmit a document from one place to another: 1) Deliver it yourself 2) mail it 3) use a “Quip” machine, where you’d attach the document to a cylinder that would spin around as a telephone line transmitted information to a similar machine that would receive the page and imprint the image on photo-sensitive paper.

We were elated when FedEx came along and offered next day delivery. Then came the fax, which could actually send it in less than a minute! Then came e-mail, which could send a document in an instant.

You bet that changed how we did our work. It reduced pressure because it was easier to communicate, react, move things along and evaluate what others were doing. But, it increased our stress because the immediacy resulted in even greater demands for output and pressured us with much tighter deadlines.

The world has changed so much. Twenty-five years ago, we were just starting to get answering machines and VCRs. Nobody had home computers or cell phones. Fifteen years ago, we barely knew what the Internet was.

Do you remember when you started calling companies and getting automated telephone systems that kept you holding for an hour before you got a human being, only to be disconnected or realize you were holding for the wrong department the whole time? Do you remember when you first started calling for support and got someone in India who said his name was John and had a language barrier that kept him from even understanding the question, much less answering it?

It doesn’t matter whether you love or hate the massive change that comes with new technology. Time doesn’t wait, change happens. And happens. And happens.

I was on an airplane with someone who was in a loop lamenting how much our world has changed since before 9/11. It is true. Before we felt the vulnerability that came from being attacked on our own soil, we lived very different, sheltered lives. Those were the good old days, and we didn’t even know it. In the years since, we have been shaken by betrayals from our government, big business, our banks, insurance companies and more. We used to feel secure, self-assured and protected. Now, most people feel uncertain, fearful and lost.

It is so easy to feel overwhelmed and want life to go back the way it was, but it won’t. It just won’t. The world evolves, times change, people change, and we never get a do-over. Yes, life used to be simpler, and that we didn’t realize how good we had it. But things can always get more challenging, so we should step up and enjoy this moment for what it is.

The greatest leaders in history all emerged during times of strife and adversity, in moments when there was a desperation for someone to stand up and lead. There is so much opportunity right now, but few people see it. Instead, they seek cover, holding onto whatever security they think they have and hoping against reality that things will just work themselves out.

They wait. Somehow, things will get better – they have to – but you have to ask yourself what you are doing to fix things. If your company is struggling, what are you doing that is creative and courageous that will turn things around? If you aren’t stepping up and volunteering ideas and strategies, you remain part of the problem, not the solution. But, to create more success for yourself (and others), you should make a conscious decision to become part of the solution. You can make this decision if you are a senior manager, a junior manager or an entry-level employee. Just look at the situation from where you are and decide to make a contribution that will advance your company and, in the process, your career.

“You can do better than this.”

I can still hear my mother’s voice.

I was in the tenth grade and I had brought home a report card that boasted a few As, a couple of Bs, a C and the only  D I’d ever gotten – in geometry. I didn’t see anything wrong with that report card because it wasn’t much different from what my friends brought home, except for that little episode with geometry, for which I still don’t apologize.

But, Mom did see something wrong with that report card.

“You are not average,” she said, “So you can’t bring home a report card like this. If you were average, it would be all right. If I knew this was the best you could do, it would be all right. But, it isn’t the best you can do and you know it.”

I hadn’t really thought about it before, whether I was smart or talented or anything else. I was just a kid who wanted desperately to fit in despite being hindered by a major case of nerdiness. I wanted to be average because then I would blend in with the others. Teenage life would be so much easier blending in with the crowd. No one would expect me to do anything more than the minimum. Hanging there with mediocrity seemed like a pretty safe way to get through high school.

If you think about it, I was right. And it applies to our work situations today. Mediocrity is a very safe place to hang. You don’t have to deal with the risk of being extreme – either too excellent or too poor. You aren’t a problem child that needs to be put on probation or dealt with. You aren’t a model of excellence who is a target for people who are jealous or threatened. You’re just in the crowd.

My mother’s tone of voice made it very clear that I would be making a few changes with regard to my academic approach.

It’s amazing how quickly I turned things around after that lecture. All As, and a B in geometry. I just had to make the decision.

I’ve had to make that decision again and again throughout my career. It is a conscious decision to ratchet things up another notch, to produce more, to concentrate harder, to work longer, to deliver. It is a decision to leave the pack and be excellent.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books, including an Oprah pick. She speaks to corporations and organizations on courageous and creative leadership strategies taken from her interviews with the best-known leaders of our times.