Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

Archive for the ‘Life balance’ Category

Work. Life. Balance. Work. Life. Balance. We’ve all heard those words so much it’s as if they have merged together into a simple little mantra which, if repeated enough we will manifest. “Work. Life. Balance.” “Work. Life. Balance.” “Work. Life. Balance.”

Poof!

Look at her! See that career woman climb that company ladder! Look how happy her marriage is! My, aren’t her children beatuiful, successful and happy! She still has time to cook gourmet recipes, clean house and have great sex! Not only that, she still plays tennis, too!

It doesn’t work like that.

Years ago, when I was still married and working as a newspaper reporter, I was drowning in an investigative project that stretched for ten brutal months. It was the most challenging and important work I’d ever done, but as that series became more consuming, I kept moving the mail and my junk to the guest bedroom where it amassed itself into a giant pile of unresolved clutter. One evening, friends gathered at our home before we all went out to dinner. Imagine my horror when my then-husband opened the door to the guest bedroom and said, “Look at this!”  before exposing my secret mess.

In the midst of some of my greatest accomplishments as a journalist, I was exposed for the one failing that trumped everything. I’d failed in my traditional role of wife. I don’t think it was his intent to land that kind of blow on me, but I felt that, if I wasn’t a good housekeeper, I was not worthy. I was humiliated and I was crushed.

 Of course, if you come by my house today, you will see that my office doesn’t look much better than the guest room did on that particular occasion. I’ve grown into my identity and balanced myself out by making decisions that let me define success and failure, rather than tradition or guilt. That is how you achieve life balance. You do it consciously and on your own terms.

Know your priorities and know where they rank. Years after that experience, I’ve got my priorities down. God, family, friends, community, recreation, work, and, if there is time, housekeeping and other details. Whatever. You’ve got to drop the ball somewhere, and I choose where mine drops. That is the first step in balancing your soul.

 I get so amused by the importance people give to the notion of work life balance. Like, once we get it right, we all let out a nice, long Zen Ohm and all will be well. Balance implies some sort of time/effort equity that few ever achieve in life. I certainly don’t, and I don’t even have a husband or children to worry about.

A woman once told me she needed help juggling all the balls she’s got in the air and I said, “let some of the balls drop.” 

I remember former cable television senior executive Gayle Greer showing me how she learned how to balance her soul. As  a working, single parent,  she traveled about 80 percent of the time when her son was growing up. He seldom came along. One day, he asked if he could schedule time for her to meet with a couple of coaches who wanted to talk to her about college scholarship possibilities for him. “It blew me away,” she said. “College? I hadn’t even thought about it. I wasn’t living in the present. I was so intensely holding on to whatever it was, keeping all the balls up in the air. Then it dawned on me, this kid is leaving.” That changed her forever. She never missed one of her son’s football games after that.

Our lives move so quickly that it seems like we are powerless over our schedules. But, we’re not. Truly, if you schedule a day off in your calendar, it doesn’t exist. And you may think you are too important or too busy or too stretched, but you have got to make time so you don’t lose your “self. “ If you think you can’t, or you can’t do it right now, you are wrong. Because, if someone you loved were suddenly in a life or death situation, your current schedule would screech to a halt and you would know what really matters.

 Balance is about identity. It’s knowing who you are and what matters most so that you honor your priorities in the way you want and need to honor them. We sacrifice so much of ourselves to things that don’t matter.

The mantra isn’t “Work life balance.” It’s, “I know what matters and I honor that truth.”

My mother has had Alzheimer’s Disease for eight years. At least. She is 83 and living in a nursing home, fed through a stomach tube.

A few weeks ago, she was sleeping when I arrived for a visit. I nudged her awake, then climbed into bed to cuddle with her as I have done on every visit since she moved there. It is the closest human contact she has, since my father’s bad back won’t let him get in bed with her. I have cherished those moments because of the way it makes her smile and how her eyes twinkle, and because I feel her love radiate life from my sweet, lost mother.

On this occasion,  I didn’t see the usual joy. I saw fear.

My mother didn’t know who I was. She was afraid — there was a stranger in her bed and she was powerless to protect herself. She tried to say something, but her words came out as jibberish. I showed her pictures of us when I was a child, but she didn’t make the connection like she’d done on the other occasions when she couldn’t quite get who I was. So, I climbed out of the bed.

Then, I dropped my shorts and mooned her. I have always been the joker in the family, and this made Mom laugh harder than I have heard her laugh in years. That bare bottom could only belong to her daughter. “You are beautiful,” she said. A full sentence. She finally knew it was me.

I think she recognized me the other day. I am dogsitting for a tiny little Chihuahua mix, and since Coco is so darned portable compared to  my two big dogs, I brought her to visit my mom. Mom’s left side has been paralyzed since a major stroke 17 years ago. The Alzheimer’s has frozen most of the rest of her body, so she does not move much. So, I put the little dog on the bed. She didn’t say anything and she didn’t smile. Coco wagged her tail and kissed my mother, but there was still no real reaction.

A Florida afternoon thunderstorm started brewing, and with the first rumblings from the sky, tiny Coco started quivering in fear — trembling, all over. I tried to calm her, but she kept shaking. Mom watched this, transfixed. “It’s okay,” I told Coco.

After a long moment, Mom moved her right hand. Slow and unsteady, she moved it closer and closer to Coco and finally rested it on the little dog’s side. She kept it there, holding her, trying to comfort her.

Coco didn’t stop shaking until the thunder stopped. But, she didn’t move away from my mother to be closer to me. I will never forget the innocence of that tiny dog, or the slow awakening of my fading mother.

When there are no words, there is touch, which says more anyhow.

Coco meets my parents. Sorry about the quality. Blame my cell phone.

I spent last week on the legendary cycling adventure, the Bicycle Ride Across Georgia. I can’t tell you how much fun I had — but, I can show you.  The good was that I had seven days of hard cycling. The bad was eight nights of sleeping in a tent. That may have been easy in my early 30s, but in my 40s? I was ready for my bed about halfway through it. Anyhow, enjoy these photos. And, if you cycle, check out this great trip!

One of the most vibrant women I know is sitting in a remote airport on the other side of the country, waiting for her flight back to sanity. This is a turning point in a two-year relationship with a great guy who has a very, very dark side.

Her boyrfriend can be entertaining and warm and all good things a handsome boyfriend can be. I’ve had so much fun with him.

But there is that dark side. He wasn’t physically violent with her — but the violence was emotional. His need for control mandated he isolate her from others and extinguish her free spirit. It required that she be at his side every day, all day — even if he would not speak a single word to her for weeks at a time. He resented her desire to have time with her friends. He resented her going anywhere without him — even if it was only for a few minutes or hours.

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I have to be careful writing this because they may work things out. I just want her to be happy — and whole. Many of us have stayed in relationships for too long, clinging to what’s good instead of opening our eyes to the reality that what is bad is really bad, and it won’t change.

I want to write about this because I am constantly running across people who linger in destructive relationships because they don’t have the courage to do what my friend is doing. But, what could be worse than sacrificing your “self”?

I am so proud of her for having the courage to leave today, because he started showing remorse and today was supposed to be the day they left on a fabulous, expense-paid trip to Hawaii. She’s been on the road with him for several weeks, and much of that time has been lost to his silent-treatment. Even if Hawaii were honeymoon perfect, she would know what always simmers deep inside of him. Despite his urging to give it another shot, she still had a faint flicker of “self” burning within her and she knew that she had to come home now, before he extinguished everything inside of her.

I know her pain. So do her friends. She is so beloved that her “pod” includes six of the most incredible women I know –some of the best friends I have. The minute she put out the call that she was in pain, they rallied like I have never seen friends rally. Two will make the long drive to pick her up at the airport tonight — at 1 a.m. All of us will converge at her home this weekend for a party and bonfire where we will celebrate her spirit and fuly bring her back into the light of who she is. I am quite certain that the support and love she will get from her friends will outshine any trip to Hawaii.

We only want what is best for her. If that relationship is what will make her happy, so be it. But no one should be forced to sacrifice one bit of soul for another. If you relate to this at all, remember the lesson. If someone expects you to sacrifice your “self” for love, it ain’t love.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of five books and one of the nation’s most sought-after leadership speakers.

Bertie and I have been friends for 19 years, so her visit to my home in Florida was something I was quite excited about. Then again…

See, Bertie is 15 years older than I am, and through her, I get a glimpse of what is ahead for me. I suffered through her hot flashes when she was perimenopausal. But that taught me what my perimenopausal years would be like.

Imagine my horror yesterday day as we prepared to leave for the beach.

“Would you like to use the bathroom before we go?” I asked.

“No,” she said matter-of-factly. “I sneezed in the car on the way here and peed in my pants.” It was spoken as she’s made this public proclamation before.

She wants me to note here that she did change her clothes, and I am grateful for that.

The 19 years we have known each other have passed in a flash. In just another flash, I’ll be 15 years older. Her age.

Then again, I don’t fear the future because I may grow up to be like Bertie.

She is younger now than when she was years ago. Wiser. More sure of herself. Her relationship with her husband is 30 years solid now and she is blossoming with him and with herself in the first year of her early retirement. She has so many dimensions now.

We have traveled many, many miles together. I watch Bertie and I am not afraid of what is yet to come.

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As long as I don’t sneeze.

I have never understood the workaholic mindset, and now that I have slid into it, I am even more bewildered.

I haven’t lived this life since I was a 23-year-old, fresh-out-of-college newspaper reporter working an 80-hour week on a series. One night, a friend stopped by the newsroom to pick something up.

“Why am I still here?” I asked.

“Because your life is meaningless and this is all you have,” she laughed.

Days later, when I turned in my timecard, Joyce Duarte, the assistant to the managing editor, took one look at the hours I’d worked and asked, “Gosh, Fawn. Is it worth it?”

I knew it wasn’t. That was the last time I drove myself that hard. If I worked overtime, I took comp time instead of cash. Always. Time was worth more than money.

Imagine my surprise when I went to bed last night and realized that I am right where I was all those years ago. I am working too long and too hard. I have a purpose! I have a new book coming out! We are setting up multiple websites as part of a new marketing strategy! I am learning the insanity of Web 2.0 and I am trying (and failing) to keep up with e-mail! Isn’t that exciting?

No! For those of you who come to my website looking for the daily dose of optimism, hang with me. It is coming.

It is coming because I am having an awakening.

If you are working so hard that you aren’t living a full and meaningful life, you are not living. It doesn’t matter what you do to drive your success — you are not successfully living because work is not enough. It isn’t. It’s a challenging part of your life, but it is not your life. Not if you are getting the deluxe tour.

I only get to live once. You only get to live once.

I don’t know about you, but I am going for a very long bike ride. What are you going to do to live right now?

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books. Her fifth book, Finding the UP in the Downturn, will be released in April. She travels internationally as a keynote speaker who works with organizations and companies that want more courageous and creative performance.

Over the weekend, we got this from Paul Volker this from former chair of the Federal Reserve and current advisor to President Obama: “I don’t remember any time, maybe even in the Great Depression, when things went down quite so fast, quite so uniformly around the world.”

But today, the headline says Fed Chair Ben “Bernanke Suggests Recession Will End This Year… 2010 ‘Will Be A Year Of Recovery.’”

Now, let me give my interpretation of those guys and all the others predicting this and predicting that: Nobody knows what they are talking about. Why even listen? Usually, the projections make people feel horrible. They zap hope which zaps performance.

Regardless of what any of those economists and pundits say, if you aren’t operating at your peak right now, you will be a victim of the economy. The more you listen to them, the harder it becomes to operate at your peak.

If you tune out the negative and focus on where you can actually gain some ground, you will turn this downturn into an opportunity. You just have to see that possibility exists. I know so many people who have lost their jobs and seem to be moving in slow motion with their searches because they are convinced there is nothing out there. Well, there are jobs out there — just not very many. The way to find an opportunity is to be open to it. See the possibility that exists.

I know a senior executive who is retiring from a director’s position at Procter and Gamble at the end of this month. She’s in her mid-50s and going out into the world in the worst economic climate possible. She always held she was not going to let herself go out to pasture — and she didn’t. But, imagine my shock when I heard that she was just made VP of sales at another major company — before she even officially retired? She expects a lot out of her career — and gets it.

We all need to do the same. 

Listen to Volker and Bernanke and you’ll wind up confused and depressed. Listen to your own voice telling you to carry on — and you can get through this downturn stronger, wiser and even more successful.

In the last month, I have noticed that I am spending more time interacting with my computer than with human beings. I sit in the middle of my family with my laptop set to Facebook or Twitter.

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I am connecting and reconnecting with others, but the cost is too high. I am putting the most valuable connection on time-delay. “Just let me finish this real quick,” I heard myself saying.

Twitter first, you second. Facebook now, you later. Link-in to the e-friend, lose the link to reality. That is not good enough for people I love and it is not good enough for me. My life has always been one of adventure and engagement. This machine — I don’t care how it links me in to others — is compromising the most important links I have. I have been on the road all week and am more than 250 e-mails behind. People are writing me, asking why I haven’t written.

Fifteen years ago, I didn’t have any of this. I exercised more, went out more, saw people and even used the telephone to catch up. Now, I have this. It is not a worthy trade.

I will do my Facebook and my Twitter. I’ll stay Linked-in. But I’m going to opt out more. I know I have an Internet addiction. Do you?

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books, including one that was featured on Oprah. Her next book, Finding the UP in the Downturn, will be released in March. She speaks internationally on leadership issues.

I see those headlines — the ones about tens of thousands of Americans losing their jobs, about our sinking productivity, and (groan) the CITI execs planning to spend $50 MILLION from our bailout money on a nice new jet for themselves. The news makes me sick to my stomach.

download bobby movie I’m trying not to read it, but there it is — everywhere. So much news, and all of it is bad. It is so easy to go negative in this climate, but try to keep your head in check. Negativity will only hurt you. It will program to expect bad things, and then bad things will happen. It will zap you of all hope and enterprise. If you allow yourself to be victimized, you will be a victim. It is your choice.

As bad as things are — and believe me, I know they are bad — we still have the opportunity to spend our days in ways that fill our lives with good things. We can either wallow in the bad or pick ourselves up and use the moment to enjoy something good. Fortunately, there is a lot of good out there. Good people. Good nature. Good food. Good times. Make your own list. There is a cliche that the best things in life are free, and it is true. I can’t imagine anything meaning more than the love I get from my family and loved ones, or my pets. I can’t imagine enjoying anything more than a gorgeous sunny day. 

If you feel like you are losing hope, remember to count your blessings and see how fortunate you really are. You aren’t out there on the streets eating out of garbage cans, and you know that won’t happen.

Things will work out. They always do. And as you wait for it to happen, look around and see what you still have. Yes, 62,000 people lost their jobs today and I know every single one of them  is frantic. But, the world has not ended. We are strong enough to get through this economic chaos, as long as we don’t freak ourselves out and go dark. Find the joy in the moment, come up with a plan and remain positive.