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One of the most vibrant women I know is sitting in a remote airport on the other side of the country, waiting for her flight back to sanity. This is a turning point in a two-year relationship with a great guy who has a very, very dark side.

Her boyrfriend can be entertaining and warm and all good things a handsome boyfriend can be. I’ve had so much fun with him.

But there is that dark side. He wasn’t physically violent with her — but the violence was emotional. His need for control mandated he isolate her from others and extinguish her free spirit. It required that she be at his side every day, all day — even if he would not speak a single word to her for weeks at a time. He resented her desire to have time with her friends. He resented her going anywhere without him — even if it was only for a few minutes or hours.

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I have to be careful writing this because they may work things out. I just want her to be happy — and whole. Many of us have stayed in relationships for too long, clinging to what’s good instead of opening our eyes to the reality that what is bad is really bad, and it won’t change.

I want to write about this because I am constantly running across people who linger in destructive relationships because they don’t have the courage to do what my friend is doing. But, what could be worse than sacrificing your “self”?

I am so proud of her for having the courage to leave today, because he started showing remorse and today was supposed to be the day they left on a fabulous, expense-paid trip to Hawaii. She’s been on the road with him for several weeks, and much of that time has been lost to his silent-treatment. Even if Hawaii were honeymoon perfect, she would know what always simmers deep inside of him. Despite his urging to give it another shot, she still had a faint flicker of “self” burning within her and she knew that she had to come home now, before he extinguished everything inside of her.

I know her pain. So do her friends. She is so beloved that her “pod” includes six of the most incredible women I know –some of the best friends I have. The minute she put out the call that she was in pain, they rallied like I have never seen friends rally. Two will make the long drive to pick her up at the airport tonight — at 1 a.m. All of us will converge at her home this weekend for a party and bonfire where we will celebrate her spirit and fuly bring her back into the light of who she is. I am quite certain that the support and love she will get from her friends will outshine any trip to Hawaii.

We only want what is best for her. If that relationship is what will make her happy, so be it. But no one should be forced to sacrifice one bit of soul for another. If you relate to this at all, remember the lesson. If someone expects you to sacrifice your “self” for love, it ain’t love.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of five books and one of the nation’s most sought-after leadership speakers.

I have never understood the workaholic mindset, and now that I have slid into it, I am even more bewildered.

I haven’t lived this life since I was a 23-year-old, fresh-out-of-college newspaper reporter working an 80-hour week on a series. One night, a friend stopped by the newsroom to pick something up.

“Why am I still here?” I asked.

“Because your life is meaningless and this is all you have,” she laughed.

Days later, when I turned in my timecard, Joyce Duarte, the assistant to the managing editor, took one look at the hours I’d worked and asked, “Gosh, Fawn. Is it worth it?”

I knew it wasn’t. That was the last time I drove myself that hard. If I worked overtime, I took comp time instead of cash. Always. Time was worth more than money.

Imagine my surprise when I went to bed last night and realized that I am right where I was all those years ago. I am working too long and too hard. I have a purpose! I have a new book coming out! We are setting up multiple websites as part of a new marketing strategy! I am learning the insanity of Web 2.0 and I am trying (and failing) to keep up with e-mail! Isn’t that exciting?

No! For those of you who come to my website looking for the daily dose of optimism, hang with me. It is coming.

It is coming because I am having an awakening.

If you are working so hard that you aren’t living a full and meaningful life, you are not living. It doesn’t matter what you do to drive your success — you are not successfully living because work is not enough. It isn’t. It’s a challenging part of your life, but it is not your life. Not if you are getting the deluxe tour.

I only get to live once. You only get to live once.

I don’t know about you, but I am going for a very long bike ride. What are you going to do to live right now?

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books. Her fifth book, Finding the UP in the Downturn, will be released in April. She travels internationally as a keynote speaker who works with organizations and companies that want more courageous and creative performance.

In my quest to succeed at online social networking, I have diligently amassed hundreds of friends on my Facebook page and I cannot stop. If you have not received a request to be one of Fawn Germer’s friends, please send one to me.

I’m thrilled to be hooked up with my old friends from Sunday school and see how wildly successful everyone is. I joke that I’m the “loser” in the bunch. I love how many people have come back to life after getting lost in my high school yearbook. It is great how many of my old newspaper colleagues are reconnecting and giving me updates and commiserating about the demise of our industry. And how cool is it that I can now see every last photo of every person I ever dated — with their spouses, children and (gasp!) grandchildren?

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Here’s what amazes me. There are a handful of people that I did not enjoy knowing twenty years ago who have asked me to be their Facebook friends. Being the good social networker, I have accepted them. But, we are actually e-mailing each other, as if we like each other.  And I am starting to wonder. Do we like each other now? The last time I talked with one of these individuals was twenty years ago when the person (who was an editor in training) screamed at me — and I mean screamed — from the other side of the newsroom because I chose to kill a story rather than break a deal with a source. We never even made eye contact after that, but now we are friends. I think.

I have asked people I did not like to accept me as their friends, too, and they did. Now I like them because of it.

There were two people who I used to think were friends who ignored my friend requests. Such an online snub might be a little bruising to the ego if not for the fact that the whole notion is so ridiculous. So junior high! Is Fawn your friend? Check yes or no! I just have to laugh. I was talking about this with my friend Kelly Hickman who told me she had suffered something worse than being ignored. She’d experienced the indignity of being “defriended” by someone after they pretended to accept her.

It really is lovely catching up. The problem is, I don’t have any more time for my real friends. I’m gawking at the latest dish on people who slipped from my life, mostly unnoticed. Why go out for face-to-face conversation if you can stare into a screen and have six hundred friends right beside you, updating you on the minutae of their day, tagging you in unflattering photos and asking you to join I Can’t Believe I Wear Braces In College or the Fat Girls of West Point UNITE groups?

This post is too long. It is interfering with my Facebook time.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of five books. Her latest book, Finding the UP in the Downturn, will be released in April. She speaks to corporations and organizations that want more creative and courageous performance from their people. She does this with the lessons learned in hundreds of interviews for her best-selling books, one of which was featured on Oprah.

Enough. I swear I have had several hundred conversations and e-mails with people who are trapped in terminal worry loops. They can’t let go of the what-if scenarios that might arise out of this horrible economy and they let their minds wander from one negative outcome to the next.

Look, I know you are being realistic in 2009 if you ask yourself if your job is secure, wonder if you will be in the next round of layoffs, badger yourself about how you will ever find work in this climate and so on. The truth is, we’ve all got a lot to worry about.

But, what does worry accomplish? It pulls us off our game, filling our minds with outcomes that will likely never materialize. It’s one thing to worry about something that is certain to happen, but almost all of our worry energy is directed at potentialities that never occur. The more you worry, the more you fear. The more you fear, the more you are victimized by your imagination. That kind of thinking attracts the energy that breeds bad things that would never have happened.

Why put that energy out there?  Take that energy and come up with a plan.

I am not saying you should go into denial about impending doom if doom is really impending. But, put it in its place. If you know you are vulnerable to a layoff, get your resume ready and sit down and prepare for action – not worry.  If you fear for your job, ask questions and come up with a plan. If you don’t know what you are going to do about money, go to a financial planner.

When all seems to be lost, it is not. Ground yourself in reality, not fear. You still have people who love you. You live on a magnificent earth. You have whatever spiritual connection you have opened yourself up to and you have your self. download turner hooch That’s plenty. Those things matter. Instead of worrying about what you can’t control, let it go. Hang on to the things that really matter, and count your blessings that you have what you have because you are blessed.

If you must worry, just put your worry time on the calendar. Give it 30 minutes a day, then put it away. What will a whole day of worry do for you? Nothing. All worry does is magnify the negative. Put it in its place.

If you can’t control it, let it go.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of five books. Finding the UP in the Downturn will be released by Newhouse Books this spring.  Fawn is an international speaker on leadership and performance issues.

It’s been a week since the Rocky Mountain News published its final edition. Some of my old colleagues have forged on, using the Internet to keep the Rocky’s spirit alive at www.iwantmyrocky.com. This is pretty revolutionary stuff.

It reminds me of the time the IRS shut down a Popeye’s Chicken franchise in Denver. The next morning, the employees opened up and cooked and sold the remaining chicken so they would get paid for the week. Granted, they got in a lot of trouble, but I really loved that they banded together and carried on.

That is what these former Rocky staffers are doing. They can still do great journalism without the hard copy of the newspaper. Instead of surrendering, they are fighting back with their talent. I’ve always said, your job may not last but your talent does. This website is proof.  I hope it will become profitable and a template for other reporters who find themselves losing out in this economy.

Please visit their site and click on their ads to drive up revenues and support these swashbuckling reporters. And, pass on the word.

I felt so bad that the tradition of Rocky founder William Byers was dying with that last edition, but it’s not. This is exactly what Byers would have wanted.

Again: www.iwantmyrocky.com!

I sent a link to the star of yesterday’s post and got a great response. It’s from Jackie, who lovingly cared for my mother for years. She’s the one with the amazing perspective on aging. I thought I’d share her response.

“I was surprised and delighted to hear from you. Haven’t been to see your Mom for awhile..breaks my heart. The last time, she didn’t recognize me….until a faint grin when I  mentioned ‘our little kicker guy’ — Martin Gramatica of the Bucs.

download senseless movie “I finally quit working the day after my 80th birthday. Despite minor aftermaths of a stroke, arthritis of my back, lumbar stenosis  and arthritis of my hip. I manage to keep going…I figure if I wake up each morning and can get out of bed, it will be a good day. I’ve found out old age ‘ain’t for sissies.’

“When I go, my ashes will be scatterd beneath my tree on the river in downtown Bradenton. I have written my own obituary and the end of it will be: ‘Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely with a pretty and well preserved body. But, rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out, and  proclaiming”: ‘WOW! What a ride!’ “

How cool is that?

I have a friend who is terrified because she is about to turn 40 this month. It reminds me of the day that I had my 40th birthday.

I’d stopped by my parents’ home. My mother, who’d been paralyzed by a stroke in 1992, was there with Jacky, the attendant who’d become like a family member to us.

When I mentioned it was my 40th birthday,  Jacky said something I will never forget. 

“Life begins at 40,” said Jacky,who was in her 70s. “It begins to go to hell. First your back goes out. Then you lose your teeth…”

We all laughed. Then, she started telling me how all of her friends were dying right and left.

“Jacky, that’s got to be pretty depressing,” I said.

“I figure, better them than me!”

We laughed again.

I loved that conversation for so many reasons. First, it was a time when my mother was still lucid enough to do girl talk and have fun. She is long lost to the fog of Alzheimer’s now, and I miss those times. Second, I loved Jacky’s attitude because it showed me that we can either march on with humor or give in to what could be a very depressing perspective aging: We can either writhe in the loss that is inevitable, or laugh at it and still have a good time. That’s what I want to do.

I would prefer to have my whole life ahead of me, but honestly, I wouldn’t go back to my 20s again — not for a million bucks. In your 20s, you don’t even know how good you have it. In your 30s, you start to realize it, but you still do stupid things. The 40s? Well, I am not crazy about the fact that I am in a category that sometimes leaves me written off as middle-aged, but with that age comes the wisdom that we needed all along. For the most part, life makes sense to me now. It feels good. I am happy.

My 40s have been the best of times for me. I wish they could last forever, but I know the 50s are coming. I’ll have to check with Jacky about what that means.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books. Her fifth book, Finding the UP in the Downturn, will be released this spring. She is one of the nation’s most sought-after keynote speakers on leadership and performance.

I have a friend who has been looking for work for awhile and will soon start her job at IKEA. She called to go over her success strategy and, out of pure self-interest, I asked when her discount would kick in. That brought up a whole bunch of other questions she said has for her first day. I am either slap-happy because I was up working until 4 a.m., or she really should abandon IKEA job and seek to replace Conan. Here’s what she wants to discuss with her manager: 

1. How many sick days do I get in my first month? If I use more, is that okay?
2. Can I take a cigarette break now? I require multiple cigarette breaks every hour. It is not my fault. If you have a problem, take it up with Big Tobacco.
3. When does the dental insurance kick in? I have a toothache. What kind of discount do I get on the Swedish meatballs in the cafeteria? Do employees get extra meatballs?
4. Sometimes, I will need to bring my cat to work with me.
5. What should I tell customers when they interrupt me while I am text messaging?
6. Which door is best when you’re trying to leave early?
7. Are the display beds available for employee naps?
8. When my probation officer comes to visit, can we use a conference room? Will he get extra Swedish meatballs in his order?
9. When is my first week of vacation?

 I think she’ll be a STAR!

Fawn Germer is the author of  four books, one of which was an Oprah favorite. Her fifth book, FINDING THE UP IN THE DOWNTURN will be released this spring. She is one of the nation’s most popular leadership keynote speakers.

The following quote was in the footer of an e-mail I got yesterday:

watch universal soldier the return in divx “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you.. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.” Mother Teresa

Amazing. Every time I find myself needing a little boost, one of these messages comes to me by happenstance. No kidding. Every single time.

I was thinking…

If I needed to see it, maybe you would too.

I got the Bill Gates e-mail again! You know. It’s the one that says he will pay us $245 every time it is forwarded. I’ve been getting it since about 1994 and haven’t seen a dime of it, but this version swears the Gates offer was verified on Good Morning America this morning. For that reason, I have decided to take the day off. Things are looking up in this economy.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books. Her fifth book, “Finding the UP in the Downturn” will be released this spring.