Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

Author Archive

I am blogging from the roughest flight I have ever experienced in my life. We’ve been jerked and tossed and, three times, we’ve felt the panic that comes by a sudden downward plunge.

I’m sitting next to a really sweet, 22-year-old woman, a white-knuckled flyer who doesn’t enjoy the turbulence. I reassurred her that we’d be fine, but then it hit me — if you can’t make peace with the inevitable turbulance, you never get to go anywhere. It hit me that this flight is a metaphor for what many of us have experienced with our careers over the last 18 months.  

Several months ago, I delivered a keynote for a high-budget, incredibly well-produced event. The association spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on production — and it showed. I told the producer how impressed I was and he said something so inspiring and memorable that I have treasured ever since.

“I haven’t worked in six months. I love what I do. I am fighting to be able to do the work I love.”

Those words never left me because it struck me that is what we are all doing now. We are fighting for the right to do the work we love. Basically, we’ve been asked to reapply for our jobs, then reapply ourselves to prove how much we deserve our success.

I know that many have found the challenges they’ve faced to be frustrating and unfair, but some of us have actually welcomed them and experienced a reward we wouldn’t have gotten if the economy hadn’t knocked us around a little bit. The turmoil forced us to refocus and recommit. Doing that has made me truly appreciate how lucky I am to be able to fight to do work I love so much. I remember another corporate speaker telling me, “My calendar is empty. How are we supposed to find anything at a time when corporations are laying off tens of thousands of people.” Maybe my business was a little lighter last year, but it was more fun because I used the opportunity to try some creative marketing techniques that worked. This year is turning out fantastic. But, again, I am fighting for the right to do the work I love — just like that producer, and just like everybody else.

Those of us who made up our minds to stop fixating on the turbulence of the economy and, instead, shift and turn and figure things out have, for the most part, done well in spite of the downturn. Those who thought they would wait until things got “back to normal” saw their businesses decimated. Those who kept on doing things the way they have always done them saw huge losses.

It was a bumpy flight, but the turbulence stopped. Amazing how that always works in this crazy life.

We’re landing now. Safe and sound.

This is the latest in a series on dealing with control issues.

There are bosses who try to micromanage everything in order to control the outcome, and what do they accomplish? They alienate their people, get no buy-in or support, and ultimately scramble to achieve their goals.

How does it feel when someone is trying to control you? Not good. I kind of like my free will, and I’m pretty sure you like it, too. I don’t like someone telling me when or where or how or why. I like to feel that others respect and value my judgment enough to let me do my best – whether the issue is professional or personal. I welcome constructive criticism because others can see places where I can improve my game. But I don’t welcome the hovering presence of a control freak who is so neurotic that he or she can’t let me be my best self.

You can probably imagine that I am inclined to fight back when that happens. But I am floored by the legions of people who find themselves in jobs, relationships, friendships and other situations where they get pushed around. There is certainly no shortage of controlling partners who will pick away until they have wiped out the confidence and self-direction of a less-assertive partner. If you find yourself being pushed around by someone who acts like he or she knows better than you, you’ve got to take responsibility for giving your power away. You are the one allowing it and you’ve got to ask yourself why. Do you need someone to tell you how to do things their way or do you need to find someone who respects you enough to let you do it yourself?

I know a woman whose husband controls everything, from how she styles her hair to when (and how) they are going to be intimate. She is always telling me, “I feel so out of control,” and she is – because she lets herself be bullied and lets someone else dominate her world. Sometimes you have to take chances – at the risk of a relationship – in order to salvage your individual self. You have to honor who you are, or you are no one at all.

How do you do that? By setting boundaries and making choices. I have had more than one bullying boss, and I learned to deal with them in different ways. One guy was normally loveable, but he had a terrible temper that would blow before he got all the information he needed. This was back when I was a reporter and he blew up at me in the middle of the newsroom, yelling because he thought I didn’t do an assignment, but I’d done it –he just looked for it in the wrong computer file.

 “Don’t ever yell at me in public like that again,” I told him as I pulled him into his office. “It is unprofessional and I am not going to take it. Second, I did the assignment. It’s right where it is supposed to be. You have made a big scene out there based on your bad information and now you need to go out there and publicly set the record straight.” And, he did. He apologized right in front of everyone.

But, another bullying boss would blow up at everybody and, when he blew up at me, there was no setting him straight. That was the way he was. He didn’t care about being fair or decent. He didn’t care about how we felt about how we were treated. He walked around the room with his “I’m the boss!” attitude and, believe me, he was the boss. At least, until I decided that he wasn’t.

It is amazing how much power an individual can have over you until you decide you have had enough and take the steps to make change. In this case, I had enough, did my resume and got another job. Once I moved on, he couldn’t control another single thing in my life.

When others have control over you, it is because you relinquish it to them. You are not a prison inmate who has relinquished your right to live and breathe in the way that you choose. But, you do have the decision to stay in controlling relationships and controlling work environments – or not.

You can fire your boss. You can dump a bullying spouse or partner.  It may not seem like you are in charge of your own life, but you are.

This is the first in a series of posts on dealing with control issues.

I always say, “Make a plan for what you want to do with your life. It’s the greatest piece of fiction you will ever write.”

Truly. Life unfolds. You cannot force, command, direct, ordain, bully, manage or control it. You just can’t. As soon as you think you have everything all figured out, you slam right into an obstacle. There goes the plan.

If we could control life, we’d all have millions in the bank, excellent health, gorgeous spouses or partners, perfectly behaved children, fully functional families and, well, you get what I mean. Life would be oh-so-pretty on every given day. It would be predictable and it would be fair.

It would also be boring.

There is so much in life that is out of our control, yet we feel some urge to manage the unmanageable to achieve the outcome we want. We want people to think, react and behave  the way we want them to. We want our efforts to be successful. We want to know where we are headed, but sometimes we just can’t.

You could be on the greatest run of your career, only to find out that you have cancer. You get it together, adjust your plan of what is ahead and gear up to do what you have to do to beat the disease. But, sometimes it isn’t up to you. Sometimes, life comes at you in ways that are brutal and unfair. It’s all part of the growth experience.

You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction. Look at how many people have been shocked to learn their spouses have been cheating or living secret lives. And how many people have devoted their lives to companies that were quick to dismiss them when times got tough. Look how many people thought they had secure retirements, only to see their investments disappear.

Life is fragile and unpredictable. It turns on a dime. One day you are healthy, the next day you are not. One day you are happily married, the next day you are not. One day you are gainfully employed, the next day you are not. We are constantly faced with an uncertainty that is so unsettling to some that, rather than learning to ride the waves, they try in vain to control the tide.

Life can’t be controlled.

My mom is doing a little better, and I went out for some excitement!

I just heard that Robin Conyers died of breast cancer last month. From her, I learned to never, never, never quit. I moderated a panel for Kraft where Robin stopped the show with her story. She is one of the most incredible women I have ever met and her passing is a loss to all of us. Please experience her legacy in this touching video.

The seas didn’t part when we got a new president. There wasn’t a pot of gold on your doorstep when the stimulus packages passed. And the turn of a calendar page did not cure all your ills.

If you caught yourself saying, “Thank God 2009 is over!” you may well find yourself saying the same thing when 2010 ends — but you could well be poorer, older and less employable.

What are you waiting for? Seriously! You may be frustrated because your troubles have gone on and on and on, but the worst thing you can do is slow down or give in to defeatism.

Really, America,  it is time you got off your ass.

How do you do that when you are drowning in fear and uncertainty? Especially when your task is to start over and re-invent yourself, the challenge is extraordinary and intimidating.

My advice is quite simple. Ownership. Baby steps. Small victories. Bettering the product. Opening your vision. It is the same formula whether you are overwhelmed after being laid off or feel like you are sinking because you don’t have a clue how to create success out of the mediocre life you have for yourself.

The year doesn’t change you. You change the year. So, if you need a to-do list that will help you get moving and change your fate, here you go. Five steps to get you moving again:

1. Ownership. Are you making excuses for what has happened to you? What a waste of time. You may get away with blaming past difficulties on other people or circumstances, but the only person who gets the blame for a dim future is you. That’s it. If you’ve given up, don’t blame anyone but yourself. Tough love, Baby. You want out of your nightmare, wake up and get back in the game.

2. Baby steps.  If you try to overhaul your life in an instant, you’re doomed to fail. I always remember the editor I once worked for who gave up coffee, smoking and went on a diet the same day. Of course that effort ended in failure. You can change some things in an instant, but don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you think you have to change your whole life overnight. If you are overwhelmed, break your inertia by taking small steps that will actually move you toward your distant goals. If you take large steps in hopes of speeding up the process, you’ll likely find the whole undertaking so exasperating that you give up.

3. Small victories. It’s hard to stay in the fight if you get beat up every round. Set some short-term goals and objectives that you can achieve, then celebrate those victories. That lets you enjoy the process and chalk up a few wins so your self-esteem will rebound. If you are job hunting, one small victory could be sending your resume to 10 companies who haven’t even advertised positions. Another might be arranging informational networking meetings with influential people who can make a difference. Don’t base your success or failure on whether or not you are able to land a new job in six weeks. Base it on how you handle the adversity by planning a course and staying on it.

4. Bettering the product. If you have to re-invent yourself but have no idea what to re-invent into, you are hardly alone. You might have another passion or inkling of where to go next, but if you don’t, you can still use this moment to better yourself by learning through networking. Finish your college degree. Work on your master’s degree. Join networking organizations. Talk to lots of people about what they do that they love. Read more books. Just keep moving forward. There are ways to bolster your credentials while you are still treading water. 

5. Opening your vision. If you pressure yourself to solve every problem today, you may miss out on your true calling. But, you’ve got to do something with this day. The more you explore, the bigger your list of possible interests grows. You’ve got to pay the bills, so find short-term opportunities. But, keep your mind open for what you really want to spend your life doing, because that is where you’ll find your greatest fulfillment — and success.

I tried to think of something profound to say, but I am wordless. Goin’ cruisin’ to Honduras, Belize, Mexico and the Bahamas. I’ll write when I get back.

p.s. If you are a burglar reading this, I have someone staying at my house. I also have two big dogs, including a pit bull.