Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

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My mom is doing a little better, and I went out for some excitement!

I just heard that Robin Conyers died of breast cancer last month. From her, I learned to never, never, never quit. I moderated a panel for Kraft where Robin stopped the show with her story. She is one of the most incredible women I have ever met and her passing is a loss to all of us. Please experience her legacy in this touching video.

The seas didn’t part when we got a new president. There wasn’t a pot of gold on your doorstep when the stimulus packages passed. And the turn of a calendar page did not cure all your ills.

If you caught yourself saying, “Thank God 2009 is over!” you may well find yourself saying the same thing when 2010 ends — but you could well be poorer, older and less employable.

What are you waiting for? Seriously! You may be frustrated because your troubles have gone on and on and on, but the worst thing you can do is slow down or give in to defeatism.

Really, America,  it is time you got off your ass.

How do you do that when you are drowning in fear and uncertainty? Especially when your task is to start over and re-invent yourself, the challenge is extraordinary and intimidating.

My advice is quite simple. Ownership. Baby steps. Small victories. Bettering the product. Opening your vision. It is the same formula whether you are overwhelmed after being laid off or feel like you are sinking because you don’t have a clue how to create success out of the mediocre life you have for yourself.

The year doesn’t change you. You change the year. So, if you need a to-do list that will help you get moving and change your fate, here you go. Five steps to get you moving again:

1. Ownership. Are you making excuses for what has happened to you? What a waste of time. You may get away with blaming past difficulties on other people or circumstances, but the only person who gets the blame for a dim future is you. That’s it. If you’ve given up, don’t blame anyone but yourself. Tough love, Baby. You want out of your nightmare, wake up and get back in the game.

2. Baby steps.  If you try to overhaul your life in an instant, you’re doomed to fail. I always remember the editor I once worked for who gave up coffee, smoking and went on a diet the same day. Of course that effort ended in failure. You can change some things in an instant, but don’t put so much pressure on yourself that you think you have to change your whole life overnight. If you are overwhelmed, break your inertia by taking small steps that will actually move you toward your distant goals. If you take large steps in hopes of speeding up the process, you’ll likely find the whole undertaking so exasperating that you give up.

3. Small victories. It’s hard to stay in the fight if you get beat up every round. Set some short-term goals and objectives that you can achieve, then celebrate those victories. That lets you enjoy the process and chalk up a few wins so your self-esteem will rebound. If you are job hunting, one small victory could be sending your resume to 10 companies who haven’t even advertised positions. Another might be arranging informational networking meetings with influential people who can make a difference. Don’t base your success or failure on whether or not you are able to land a new job in six weeks. Base it on how you handle the adversity by planning a course and staying on it.

4. Bettering the product. If you have to re-invent yourself but have no idea what to re-invent into, you are hardly alone. You might have another passion or inkling of where to go next, but if you don’t, you can still use this moment to better yourself by learning through networking. Finish your college degree. Work on your master’s degree. Join networking organizations. Talk to lots of people about what they do that they love. Read more books. Just keep moving forward. There are ways to bolster your credentials while you are still treading water. 

5. Opening your vision. If you pressure yourself to solve every problem today, you may miss out on your true calling. But, you’ve got to do something with this day. The more you explore, the bigger your list of possible interests grows. You’ve got to pay the bills, so find short-term opportunities. But, keep your mind open for what you really want to spend your life doing, because that is where you’ll find your greatest fulfillment — and success.

I tried to think of something profound to say, but I am wordless. Goin’ cruisin’ to Honduras, Belize, Mexico and the Bahamas. I’ll write when I get back.

p.s. If you are a burglar reading this, I have someone staying at my house. I also have two big dogs, including a pit bull.

Last night, a distraught  friend lamented, “I had finally gotten to the point in life where things were supposed to get easy.”

There is no point in life where things are supposed to get easy. I’ve said it a thousand times: “Just when you think it’s going to get easy, it’s going to get harder.” But, the more you persevere, the stronger you get.

I know a woman who has always had money, a great husband, wonderful children, (multiple) beautiful homes, endless travel and everything that a life of ease could offer. We’ve been friends for more than 20 years and I’ve never seen her forced to confront the lowest lows that many of us have facedI used to admire what she’d landed in life, imagining her existence as such a comfortable way to live –  right there on Easy Street. But, time has taught me plenty.

Without the lows, you don’t experience the highs. Without obstacles, you don’t appreciate victories. Without challenge, there is boredom. Without being tested, we can’t experience the true exhilaration of triumph.

I have made no secret of the fact that my first book was rejected by every major publisher in the United States. The process was humiliating and demoralizing and I was so depressed that I skipped my cousin’s wedding because I couldn’t face the well-meaning relatives who would certainly have asked how the book was coming along. Despite my overwhelming sadness and disappointment, I did not quit. I re-wrote my book in a different format, got a different agent and finally the seas parted. I had multiple offers from publishers.

The first copy arrived after three years of struggle. It was the day before 9/11. In the resulting chaos, my book tour was canceled. Again, I didn’t quit. I pushed so hard and my friends rallied and bought so many copies that it became a best-seller. I wrote my 29 letters to Oprah’s producers and something worked. She endorsed my book for the world and then, my speaking career skyrocketed.

If success had come easy to me, it would have meant nothing. The thrill of victory would have passed in a short time. But my obstacles defined me. My battles were so hard-fought that I still feel gratitude every single day for the success that ultimately came.

As a cyclist, I learned long ago that the map of the terrain rarely matches the challenge of the moment. There are storms and detours and flat tires and so many unforeseen obstacles. One time, I was doing a pretty horrendous 230-mile, 19-hour ride endurance challenge in the Rocky Mountains. I knew that I only had to make it to mile 120, where the map told me I would get the reward of a 60-mile gradual descent to help my body recover. That expectation of the easier ride propelled me up so many mountains. But, when I started down the other side of the summit at mile 120, I ran straight into the worst headwind I had ever experienced. It was so bad that I had to pedal — hard — instead of coasting as I’d expected. I slowly moved myself ahead, one mile at a time. I found an inner reserve that I never knew existed.

This tough economy is just like that bike ride. If you are beleaguered by your struggles, remember these five things:

1. You will get to the other side of your difficulties.You just will. Bad times don’t last forever.

2. Take it one day at a time. Sooner or later, the world that appears in black and white will suddenly bloom with color.

3. Remember that your attitude controls your outcome. If you focus on the negative, you’ll attract the negative. If you give yourself one inch to fail, failure becomes a viable option.

4. Always count your blessings, because as bad as it seems to you, you’ve got it better than 99 percent of the people in this world.

5. Never, never, never give up on yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, others won’t believe in you.

We do find our strength when we need it most. Just when you expect it to get easy, it’s going to get harder. That’s life. But when you understand that your challenges are building your inner strength, your realize that life is beautiful.

2003 Video of a surprise visit to Dad’s pharmacy drive-thru.

I began my shoplifting career at age 3 —  on the very day my father opened his drugstore in Flint, Mich. It was Germer’s Drug Store, and since I was Fawn Germer, I figured everything there was mine. Dad nabbed me for stealing a piece of Bazooka bubble gum, and I got a stern lecture that I was never to take things without paying for them. He gave me a penny and had me go to the front register to pay up. I was so embarrassed, but that was the end of my shoplifting career and the beginning of my appreciation of my father, the businessman.

This is not the story of a man starting out with one store and turning it into an empire. It is the story of a man who loved being a pharmacist so much that he refused to quit — no matter what.

I thought about what I have learned from his example as I waited for him to get off work so I could take him to dinner to celebrate his 82nd birthday yesterday.  Think of it: At age 82, he is still working as  a pharmacist. He wants to work. Without that job, I think he would grow old.

I think back to the much younger Fred Germer who owned the drugstore, and there were so many people who tried to rip him off. There was a student who dad saw stuffing a bunch of ice cream sandwiches into the back of his sweat pants. Dad went over to the guy and started a very long conversation. The guy squirmed as the ice cream began to melt, but Dad kept talking until he finally confronted the guy. There was the seemingly-devoted, 60-something employee who was regularly sneaking merchandise out of the store when  his shift ended. When he walked out with about 20 pairs of sunglasses, Dad fired him. He subsequently got a job as a security guard. One woman customer came in daily — for years — until Dad caught her stealing a whole bag full of groceries. Then there was a person who staged a slip and fall.

As the neighborhood changed, the criminal behavior escalated. Dad was held up at gunpoint multiple times. The armed robberies grew more frequent and I started to fear for his safety. I’d always ask, “Are you okay?” when he called. He’d assure me that he was just fine. One time I asked if he was all right and he just said, “Let me speak to your mother.” He’d been shot in the arm in a holdup. He insisted on going back to work the next day, I guess proving that he wasn’t hurt. But, I was. That was pretty traumatic for a kid.

My mom had enough of that and said it was time to sell the store. Without my dad to be there for his regulars, the store went bankrupt in two years. Germer’s Drug Store was successful for one reason: Fred Germer. Without him, that little independent drug store lost its oomph. Here was a man who would drive in the middle of the night to get emergency prescriptions for his customers. He’d even deliver them to their homes. He’d tell his employees, “The customer is always right,” and he meant it.

After selling the store, Dad worked in a beautiful mall chain store. One day, a friend called to ask Mom if Dad was all right. A day earlier, two guys came into the drugstore with sawed-off shotguns, demanding Dilaudid and money from Dad. He made eye contact with a customer who slipped out of the store and into the mall, where her police officer husband was waiting. He called for backup and there was a chase and shootout that made the front page of the newspaper. Dad grabbed the front page of the newspaper before we could see what happened.

What would make anyone endure that kind of danger? I guess it is the same thing that drives my dad to keep working now, so long after his contemporaries packed it in and retired. He truly loves his work. He loves the science of his industry. He loves serving others. He loves his co-workers. He loves being in the middle of things after so many years.

Last night, he met me in my mother’s room at the nursing home and carried a gift box under his arm. I knew he had something he was dying to show me, and in the box was a shirt that had been embroidered, “FRED” and “Favorite Pharmacist.” His co-workers at Vanguard, a pharmaceutical distribution center, threw a surprise party for him and presented him with the shirt and a card with about 80 signatures on it. I know those are his favorite gifts — ever. At 82, he hasn’t lost it.

I bet there have been at least a thousand people who have told me how lucky I am to be his daughter. I know that. My dad is not a perfect father, but he is the best one I know and I am glad he is mine.

Work. Life. Balance. Work. Life. Balance. We’ve all heard those words so much it’s as if they have merged together into a simple little mantra which, if repeated enough we will manifest. “Work. Life. Balance.” “Work. Life. Balance.” “Work. Life. Balance.”

Poof!

Look at her! See that career woman climb that company ladder! Look how happy her marriage is! My, aren’t her children beatuiful, successful and happy! She still has time to cook gourmet recipes, clean house and have great sex! Not only that, she still plays tennis, too!

It doesn’t work like that.

Years ago, when I was still married and working as a newspaper reporter, I was drowning in an investigative project that stretched for ten brutal months. It was the most challenging and important work I’d ever done, but as that series became more consuming, I kept moving the mail and my junk to the guest bedroom where it amassed itself into a giant pile of unresolved clutter. One evening, friends gathered at our home before we all went out to dinner. Imagine my horror when my then-husband opened the door to the guest bedroom and said, “Look at this!”  before exposing my secret mess.

In the midst of some of my greatest accomplishments as a journalist, I was exposed for the one failing that trumped everything. I’d failed in my traditional role of wife. I don’t think it was his intent to land that kind of blow on me, but I felt that, if I wasn’t a good housekeeper, I was not worthy. I was humiliated and I was crushed.

 Of course, if you come by my house today, you will see that my office doesn’t look much better than the guest room did on that particular occasion. I’ve grown into my identity and balanced myself out by making decisions that let me define success and failure, rather than tradition or guilt. That is how you achieve life balance. You do it consciously and on your own terms.

Know your priorities and know where they rank. Years after that experience, I’ve got my priorities down. God, family, friends, community, recreation, work, and, if there is time, housekeeping and other details. Whatever. You’ve got to drop the ball somewhere, and I choose where mine drops. That is the first step in balancing your soul.

 I get so amused by the importance people give to the notion of work life balance. Like, once we get it right, we all let out a nice, long Zen Ohm and all will be well. Balance implies some sort of time/effort equity that few ever achieve in life. I certainly don’t, and I don’t even have a husband or children to worry about.

A woman once told me she needed help juggling all the balls she’s got in the air and I said, “let some of the balls drop.” 

I remember former cable television senior executive Gayle Greer showing me how she learned how to balance her soul. As  a working, single parent,  she traveled about 80 percent of the time when her son was growing up. He seldom came along. One day, he asked if he could schedule time for her to meet with a couple of coaches who wanted to talk to her about college scholarship possibilities for him. “It blew me away,” she said. “College? I hadn’t even thought about it. I wasn’t living in the present. I was so intensely holding on to whatever it was, keeping all the balls up in the air. Then it dawned on me, this kid is leaving.” That changed her forever. She never missed one of her son’s football games after that.

Our lives move so quickly that it seems like we are powerless over our schedules. But, we’re not. Truly, if you schedule a day off in your calendar, it doesn’t exist. And you may think you are too important or too busy or too stretched, but you have got to make time so you don’t lose your “self. “ If you think you can’t, or you can’t do it right now, you are wrong. Because, if someone you loved were suddenly in a life or death situation, your current schedule would screech to a halt and you would know what really matters.

 Balance is about identity. It’s knowing who you are and what matters most so that you honor your priorities in the way you want and need to honor them. We sacrifice so much of ourselves to things that don’t matter.

The mantra isn’t “Work life balance.” It’s, “I know what matters and I honor that truth.”