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A neighbor of mine is torn about what to do when she and her husband lose their home to foreclosure. Any decision she makes right now has to call the question on relationship issues she hasn’t been able to confront.

First, her husband has been a serial cheater. Second, her grown kids are still in the home. Third, she continues to live where she is because of obligations to a family business where she has never been appreciated.

The job? She wishes she’d left 20 years ago, but guilt and family pressure has kept her in place. The kids? They should be on their own. The husband? Look, the guy has a history of traipsing with trollops. We don’t even need to debate that one. What is it Dear Abby used to say? “She needs him like a moose needs a hat rack.”

All of these relationships have tethered her to obligations that she doesn’t really have to allow. I told her she has to stop putting herself last on the list, and she answered, “I’m not even on the list.”

Still, she waits. She figures she has about 20 good years left in her life. I wonder if she is going to live them. Maybe the foreclosure is a prompt from the universe that will give her the opening to finally do what she needs to do in order to actually live.

I wonder if she will. Most of us worry more about hurting and disappointing others than about our own feelings. Women do that as a way of life. It used to be in vogue to label that behavior “co-dependent,” but that label simply made women feel bad for behaving in the way women always have. By definition, codependency is passively putting your own needs after the needs of others. Sorry, but women do that. Some men do that, too, but women are wired for it. We do it every day when juggling the demands of work and family and community and whatever else before we finally notice we have no time for ourselves. In the effort to be selfless, we give up our selves.

That has to stop. We get one shot. If my friend does not use this moment to clear some space to really live HER life, when will she live it? Maybe all of the chaos has come into her life to free her to do what she should have done a long time ago. And maybe it’s a reminder that we can’t waste what little time we have on this earth putting everyone else first. We shouldn’t need a foreclosure to ask ourselves how we are going to live, but sometimes it is just what is needed to call the question.

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My sweet Uncle Chuck passed away last month, and it broke my heart. It broke a lot of hearts. I don’t know many former school teachers who could still draw more than 300 people to a memorial service at age 89.

He was a touchstone to me. Our relationship was special when I was growing up, but it became deep and profound in the last couple of years, when Uncle Chuck extended support and kindness in a moment of family difficulty.

I wondered how to thank him and asked my friend Pam what kind of gift I could get him.

She said, “Why not start calling him?”

I thought that would seem awkward, as I hadn’t called much over the years.

“I think he’ll like it,” she said.

And, he did like it. I did, too. It was the sweetest, most unexpected late relationship between an uncle and niece, but what an incredible gift. I hope it will serve as a lesson for others who may be missing out on a powerful connection. I felt so cherished by this man, and I would have missed it if I hadn’t picked up the phone.

He taught me so many things, one of which was the lesson, “You can travel easy, or you can travel hard.” He told me that line when I first started working as a professional speaker and traveling all over the place. He learned that lesson so many years ago when he was a travelling salesman for a hat company. If he pushed it real hard, he might get where he needed to go in less time, but the stress toll would be great.

If I am being literal about what he taught me — which I often am — I take direct flights whenever possible, I don’t over-schedule myself, and I give myself time to get where I need to go.

But, it became clear over time that the lesson he was trying to impart had a lot more to do with our pace of living than our scheduled layovers in airports. We make choices in life that will either force us to live under pressure — or not. What if we only accomplish 90 percent of what we set out to do? What if it’s only 75 percent?

There will come a time when you realize that none of that will matter.

In his final years, my sweet uncle had real trouble getting around. He had multiple surgeries, a recurrence of cancer and many, many setbacks. When he went to an assisted living center, he put a couple dozen photos of all his loved ones on his wall.

“Whenever I feel down,” he said, “I look at these pictures and remember all the wonderful people I have loved in my life.” He would mention each person individually, counting them much like one would count blessings.

He’d mention all the different people in the pictures every time. It was inspiring that he was able to find hope and joy from those photos. The relationships behind the images defined his world with meaning and purpose. At this man’s core was a sense of gratitude that kept him going, even as his body failed him.

There comes a point in life when all that matters is the relationships that we have built. It’s not a title or a paycheck or a big house or exquisite wardrobe that will matter. It’s connection.

You can travel hard — and continue to chase the things that don’t really matter — or you can travel easy. Slow down, look around, and realize how rich you really are.

God bless you, my Sweet Uncle.

For all of the people who keep waiting for things to get better, stop.

Stop waiting. You’re losing time, whether you are enjoying this moment or not. This is it. It is all you have, so wake up. Live.

I know people who have spent the past two years overwhelmed by stress and fear, and at the end of it, what do they have to show for it? Two lost years.

These difficult days are demanding far more from us than we’ve ever been expected to deliver.  The daily news will give you a  dose of despair because, let’s face it: Things aren’t looking good. Nobody knows when the economy will settle down, when everybody will go back to work, when people will start spending, when the real estate market will rebound, when our retirement accounts will look like we can actually retire.

Nobody knows any of that.

But, I know this: If I don’t find fulfillment in this day — as uncertain as it may be — it will be lost to me. If I don’t find happiness in this day and every day like it, I won’t get a do-over. This is it. I’ll be a day older, then a year older, then ten years older, and I will have wasted precious time that I did not need to waste.

No matter how dark your circumstances, life is happening. Do you take time to see how much you have, even as you cope with all that has changed and what you may have lost? I love the quote by Frances Rodman that says, “Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.”

All is not lost. The things that have changed have hit our core feelings about security, self-worth and the future. But there is much more to this moment of chaos than crisis. This is a time to step out of the worry loop and make the choice to appreciate your health, family, friendship and spirituality — those things that matter most of all. Seriously, if you lose any of those facets of your life, you will truly know despair.

You may be experiencing real agony because you have lost a job, a home and a vision of what your life and what it was supposed to be. But, when all is lost, you still have the present moment. You can fill it with grief or anger or fear or any other dark emotion. Or, you can fill it with life.

Put on your shoes. Go for a walk. Hug your loved ones and know how lucky you are to have them. Count on your friends and be glad they are there. See the beauty in nature. Go deep within. Pray if you pray.

But live, no matter what.

Tenacious living begins with truth.

In your life, you will be pushed to choose between your truth and the expectation. It may seem easier or more practical or more judicious or more noble to put outside expectations ahead of your own desires, but you will ultimately define yourself by your ability to tap into your core truth and honor it. You can make a deliberate choice to compromise individual choices, but when you compromise your truth, you extinguish your individual self.

You can compromise your individual self by forcing yourself to push too hard or quit too soon. Compromise occurs at the extremes and every point in-between, but you know you have crossed a line when you find yourself considering other voices before you even listen to your own.

The word “potential” has always left me cold because it measure’s individual capacity against outside expectations. It’s not fair.

I used to work with a woman who was hired as an assignment editor just a few years after college. She was smart, quick, personable, savvy and she really “got” news. What a winner she was, and senior management quickly tagged her for the fast track so she could achieve her true “potential.”

Our bosses plotted out a trajectory for her, giving her a written list of goals and objectives that would lift her through the ranks – fast.

They assumed their drive was her drive, their goals were her goals, their values were her values. Since they would have been honored to have been rewarded with such opportunity, they thought she would be over the moon about it. Nobody thought to ask her if that was what she wanted.

But, one night we went to dinner and she confessed her truth.

“I want to work my forty hours, then go home,” she said. “I want a family. I want a life. I have no ambition and I don’t think I should have to apologize for that.”

Is professional ambition a requirement for fulfillment? How much ambition is required? Does professional ambition count more than personal ambition?

She did a great job, but limiting her ambitions to that job in the lower management ranks would have seemed absurd to others who thought she should have wanted more. They would have assumed she lacked motivation or confidence. None of them would have taken a step back to see that she was choosing a path that gave her the balance and fulfillment that she wanted. That her fulfillment didn’t have to be achieved by their definition of her potential.

Her mentors wanted to rotate her through every department at the newspaper for three months at a time. What a great opportunity – one that just about any of us would have clamored for – but the idea made her sick. She felt she’d been put in a position where she couldn’t say no, so she said yes and convinced herself she would come to enjoy and appreciate the opportunity.

You could see a physical change in her during the first rotation. She wore the stress on her face. She wasn’t enjoying any of it, but didn’t know what to do.

I told her to speak up and ask to go back to the job she’d been hired to do. While that would kill her chance at moving up again, she didn’t think she wanted to move up again.

Rather than be honest about her own goals and dreams, she left the company and took a less demanding position across town. A year later, she got married, then quit when she became pregnant with her first child. I caught up with her on Facebook a year ago and she seemed concerned that I might not understand the choices she’d made with her life.

“Sorry,” she wrote. “I didn’t make much of myself professionally.”

Since I’d seemed more career driven, she thought I wouldn’t be able to see the value in her life as a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t judge her choices – I admired them. Her Facebook profile showed me a happy woman with a beautiful family. She knew what she wanted and honored her own values, rather than muting her own dreams to fit into someone else’s definition of what was best for her. How many people honor their true center?

She is happy.  She doesn’t have the prestige title or the fat paycheck or the power that comes with a senior position, but that doesn’t matter at all. She has everything she needs and wants. Isn’t that success?

Should she be measured against potential others defined for her, or the fulfillment she found within herself?

I keep hearing about hopeless people, and I’ve got to tell you — I hate that term “hopeless.” It suggests “helpless.” Paints a picture where there is no way out and no recovery.

I prefer to think in terms of light and dark, rather than hopeful and hopeless. There is always a glimmer of light somewhere, even in those circumstances where there is no way you are going to get the outcome you want.

These are hard times that have pounded on good, decent, hard-working people, robbing them of their security and their confidence. What can I say when someone I care about has lost his or her job, has run out of savings, has applied for more than 300 jobs and has lost hope? Any sort of Pollyanna Positivity is going to come off as dismissive and insulting. And yet, positivity may be the only thing worth clinging to when all is lost.

With burdens that heavy, it is impossible to stop the worry. But, it is possible to mute the worrying voice that can take charge of the brain and emotionally cripple a person.

How do you do that?

Take your problems on individually. When you add everything up together, life can look like it really sucks, like there is no hope, like all is lost. How can you fix everything at once? You can’t. But you can fix some things by either taking them one at a time or taking baby steps.

Size up each problem: This seems obvious, but people tend get in hysteria loops once their problems start to compound, and small issues can seem to be as threatening and devastating as large ones. First, rate each problem on a scale of 1 to 10. If it’s life-threatening, give it a 10. Anything less is less than a life or death situation has to score less than a 10 because if you and your loved ones have their life and health, there is much for which to be grateful.

Schedule your worry time. Give yourself an hour or two, or even a full day. But don’t leave it open-ended, because worry compounds itself, magnifies the fear and heightens the severity of the crisis. It warps perspective. You certainly have seen someone obsess about a problem for too long. It’s easy to see obsessive worrying manifest in someone else, but that kind of endless worrying suddenly seems permissible, excusable and even required when you are the one who is feeling vulnerable or victimized.

You may look at your problems and feel absolute justification to dive into your worries, traveling as deep into that black hole as you can possibly go. But, what is that doing to help you? Nothing! It grows your suffering and blocks your recovery. You can assign yourself a worry period where you can go ahead and worry, obsess and fear all you want. When you catch yourself slipping into the worry loop during other times of the day, you just have to postpone the negativity until the proper time.

Take charge of your brain. You may not feel like there are any alternatives to suffering and worry, but there are. You have the ability to consciously choose tenacious, bold living, but that choice requires mastering the natural and habitual inclination to worry. Worry drags you into a negative vortex and holds you captive.

I you have big problems, you have big worries. But, what do endless hours of worry accomplish that scheduled worry doesn’t? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Life doesn’t play out the easy way. It’ll knock you around as much as you let it.

So, if you ever remind yourself that life isn’t fair, well, stop. Life is neither fair nor unfair. It just is. You get tripped up when you focus too intently on your own little world. If everything starts and ends with you, the outside world will continue to hurt you again and again. But, what if you change your perspective?

There are so many occasions when you can feel victimized. I am not minimizing anything. You will suffer loss, disappointment and dissatisfaction throughout your life, but the victimization that comes with it is your choice. There will be times when following this advice will be impossible because your suffering will be too immediate and vast. But there will come a moment when you will have the power to move beyond your wounds because you want better for yourself. It is a conscious decision and you have power to deliberately turn the page on a difficult chapter and rewrite the story. It is hard to do this when you are in the throes of depression, but you do have the power to do this.

When you can’t control what happens or happened, you can control how you react. When you are in pain, you don’t want to hear this kind of advice because it seems to minimize your distress, but it is simply the truth. The question is, how do you take charge of your anguish?

1. Decide you’ve had enough. You can’t let go without making the conscious decision to do so. People cling to their victimization – often for years, sometimes for life — when they have the power to pick up and move on from it. People suffer differently. You can have two children grow up in terribly abusive homes, and one will suffer for life while the other will work through it and get past it. Circumstance will give you infinite opportunities to darken your perspective on your life, but you have the ability to fight back by seeing light in total darkness. When you realize you want to be free of the burden of your victimization, make the choice to take charge again.
2. Stop obsessing about your situation and look around. When you see the big picture, you see how small your problems are. As bad as things seem, you have to admit there are probably several hundred million people who have it worse than you. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t minimize your feelings or the situation, but put everything in perspective so you can position yourself to move on.
3. Give it to the wind. Or, if you’re spiritual, remember the “let go, let God” concept. When your problems get too heavy to lift, hand them off to the universe. Things do tend to work out. It’s crazy-making to try to fix the seemingly unfixable, so don’t try. Let it go.
4. Realize your power. Until you realize you have the power to rewrite the story, you can’t use it. First, learn the science of your brain. It’s like a computer. You can program it any way you want. If you want to program it send your thoughts to wallow in darkness, your brain will abide your wishes and make sure you wallow day and night. If you program it to send your thoughts straight to the light, they will go straight to the light. Science is very clear about this: If you tell yourself something enough times, your brain will believe it. If you deliberately repeat positive thoughts, you will respond with positive actions. If you consciously choose to always approach situations from a positive perspective, you’ll move forward with positive energy.
5. Take charge of your inner voice. You aren’t the only person who beats himself or herself up on the inside. In fact, just about everybody does that. You can minimize the impact and strengthen your self-esteem by realizing what that inner voice is. What is it? It’s a crock. Think of the negative things you say to yourself and realize that you will say terrible, destructive things to yourself that you would never say to a stranger or even somebody you can’t stand. What would you do if someone said such wicked things to your child?
6. Write the right affirmations, then say them. Affirmations are powerful and will rewrite the negative script. Come up with ten positive statements about your situation, then repeat them ten times the first two days, five times the next two days, then three times a day until you realize you believe them.

Not everyone is born with the strength to live in this way, but that doesn’t mean these skills can’t be practiced, refined and ultimately learned.