Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

Archive for September, 2008

I want to post a few videos of my heros. Helen Thomas has been a friend, mentor and inspiration to me. You have got to see the HBO documentary on her.

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There is sometimes an assumption that women who climb to the highest reaches of the professional world have hardened into being selfish, not selfless, in their quest for power. The stereotype is that the professional woman thinks she can “have it all” – but can’t—and willingly swaps mommy time to keep moving up.

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But the stereotype is wrong. I am convinced of that because of the way everything stops when I bring up the subject of family in the interviews. If you wonder what matters most to these women, ask about their passion for their work. Then ask if they have children. The tone of voice always changes. It softens. The women open up. Maybe they can’t always be with their family in body, but they are always there in heart. They have felt their share of guilt for not being around every minute of the day, but you can just see that they really have been there, just the same.

I hope their children feel that.

These mothers function in a hard-driving, often-unforgiving level of the business world that constantly foists expectations on them. What is so interesting is that those expectations seem so insignificant when you contrast them to what these women expect of themselves—as mothers. They truly want to do right by their children.

Finally, these serious questions of balance don’t apply solely to women with family obligations. I interviewed  Sara Lee executive Kim Feil who showed how easy it is for those of us who don’t have children to become so consumed by work that all other signs of personal identity are lost. The demands that children and family make of mothers are so immediate that balance decisions are always right there in full view. But when you are not being pulled on by outside priorities that so obviously need and deserve your attention, it can be easy to slip into the self-neglect that Feil experienced. Life becomes work, work, work. You don’t have much else to talk about with outsiders. Or to think about when you go home. The good news is that you can wake up to the fact that there is a full, exciting, colorful world out there, just waiting for you to make the decision to embrace it.

I get perspective on this when I think of one of the newspapers where I worked as a reporter. I worked very hard as a reporter, but I noticed something about my job.

If I took a long lunch hour, the paper still came out. If I went on vacation, the paper still came out. If I switched jobs and moved away, the paper still came out. It came out every day, whether I was there—or not. So many of us delude ourselves into thinking we are so indispensable that we must make great personal sacrifice to save the institution. But there aren’t a lot of situations in which the business will sink because we take some time to ourselves.

And, forgive the heresy here, but it is only business. Life—in all of its glory—is far more important than the immediate task at hand.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books and speaks to corporations and organizations about courageous and creative leadership strategies.

The word “priorities” continually came up in interviews. You have to know yourself enough to know and honor what matters most to you in your heart. Find ways to allot your time accordingly, because you only get to live this life once.

I really liked Sara Lee CEO Brenda Barnes’ story of stepping down as CEO of PepsiCo North America. She wanted time with her growing-up-too-fast daughters, said she knew she was fortunate to be able to afford the seven-year time out she took from the corporate world. And, while she was out, her brain didn’t atrophy. She dove right back into the work world at Sara Lee. Or Vicki Escarra, who basically sacrificed promotion to chief operating officer of Delta Airlines by not going to a 13-week intensive program at Harvard because she knew her daughter was at a fragile moment in her life and would suffer if her mother left.

 I’ve interviewed many senior executive women who gave up or delayed relocation and promotion opportunities because of their family demands. There were stories of family-first decisions that stalled or even derailed careers. But you won’t see a lot of regrets about the choices that were made. You will see a lot of pride as parents.

Recently, I was at a networking event where about eighty senior executive women had come for dinner. This was personal time, where no one felt compelled to put on the success mask and swap egos. What did they talk about? Their kids. About how joyous they felt watching them grow up and get ready to go to college in the fall. One woman talked about her son struggling with juvenile diabetes and how she wants to devote the next phase of her career to fighting the disease when she retires in a couple of years. Another told of her reaction when her daughter accidentally revealed a tattoo of a four-leaf clover on her side while reaching for something in the kitchen. One mother proudly shows off a spray bottle of a cleaning product that her ten-year-old daughter developed by mixing pantry staples together. The bottle looks professionally labeled with the help of the home computer and printer, and the girl even made a promotional flier. Another mom ended a cell-phone call with her daughter who’d just checked in to report that she’d just sold a $675 pair of shoes on her summer job. Pictures start coming out of purses and are passed all over the room.

The atmosphere was light and personal. It was happy. The women were happy.

And they were proud.

Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books and speaks to corporations and organizations about courageous and creative leadership strategies.

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I used to hate it when editors would have me ask women of power the question, “How do you do all of this and raise a family?” I thought the question was insulting, especially since I was never told to ask it of men. But, after talking with so many women who are trying to do it all, that remains the question. How do women do such extraordinary things without letting their home lives fall apart?

I speak to women at companies and organizations all over the country and I hear so much anxiety over this one issue. The guilt they feel over having to travel or work late or miss events is depleting, consuming and powerful. They feel like they are missing so much. Like their children will resent them. Like others will judge them. Like they are doing things all wrong.

I am constantly asked about balance issues. The reality is that there is no issue of balance. It’s all about imbalance. It’s about making the imbalance work so you succeed professionally, raising children who are not juvenile delinquents — and not losing your mind in the process.
Women always are running to keep up with the demands. Despite their efforts to do it all, they are tortured by guilt because, let’s face it: They can never do enough.

Is it selfish to want a career? Is it selfish to want to be with your children? Is it selfish to want ten minutes to yourself? Is it selfish to want a little bit of everything?

So many of the young mothers I meet describe a frenetic cadence they have to sustain as parents and professionals. I just flew back from a speech in Chicago and was almost mowed down at the newsstand counter by a woman who pleaded with the clerk, “Where is there a store that sells children’s toys?” I hear about that so much – that when a woman leaves town for work, the guilt is so immense that she has to desperately find something to bring back in her suitcase.

Do men feel as guilty? Are they compelled to do that?
I recently interviewed more than 50 of the most successful women in American business. Nearly two thirds of the women who are mothers have husbands who are stay-at-home dads. Nationally, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that just one in five fathers are stay-at-home dads, so these numbers of senior executive women with Mr. Mom at home are startling.

What does it mean when these senior women choose this option? Does it prove that the old model was right? That the senior executive needs someone at home running the household and taking care of the kids in order to make everything work?

I think that it suggests that running a household and raising a family are such demanding challenges that every parent needs all the help she or he can get. And that those who make it to senior leadership are in a better position to pay for that option because they have the bigger paychecks.

What would happen to those national statistics if every family could afford financially to choose that option? Senior leadership is a demanding world, but is it any more demanding than a world where a woman works two back-breaking jobs to meet her family’s bills? I think there are a lot of women who would just love to have that kind of support at home.