Motivational Leadership Speaker, Bestselling Oprah Author

Archive for August, 2008

I once met a bank executive who, after telling me most of her life story, confessed her biggest secret.

She’d never gone to college. She had a high school diploma – nothing more.

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Now I have met plenty of people with PhDs who I would never list among the world’s most highly functioning people, so I never base a person’s ability to contribute to this world on their educational track record. One of the best editors I ever had as a journalist never went to college. One of the most short-sighted and nasty individuals I ever met was a Harvard professor.

But there was that bank executive who had an office high atop a very nice office building, and a very impressive title that put here near the top of her bank’s hierarchy.

“I’ve always felt like a failure because I don’t have the education,” she said.

She told me she’d been invited to speak to business students at a local university, but she declined because she was intimidated. She figured they knew more about business than she did, considering that they were college students.

Incredulous, I asked her what the hell she was talking about.

“I’ve never even been to college, and they are juniors and seniors! I have nothing to offer them.”

“How did you find the confidence to get as far as you have?” I asked.

“I just worked hard and kept getting promoted. I think they needed a woman…”

So sometimes your career gains speed and momentum despite everything you think or do to sabotage it. Does her story illustrate that I am wrong about thoughts manifesting success, because obviously, the bank exec’s self-talk shouldn’t have manifested much of anything. Or do we need to go deeper?

I could tell she was sincere when she confessed her insecurities to me, but I knew two things. First, something was driving her success other than her company’s need for a female in a high place. She was not a stupid woman — that was evident — so talent and ability counted plenty. But, what would have happened if she’d totally rewritten that negative story of inferiority that she kept playing inside her head? If she could have gotten beyond that negativity, I am absolutely convinced she could have achieved even more.

There is a lesson in this for all of us. All of us have insecurities. We need to put them in their place.

Ski instructors will tell you a very true fact about the sport: If you look at the dangerous route below you and try to figure out how the heck you will be able to maneuver it, you’ll fall down.

Just ski.

Do it, don’t overthink or overanalyze it. Move forward.

We don’t do that with our lives, do we? We see what looks like a treacherous path ahead of us and talk ourselves out of trying it before we even start. We are so afraid to trust ourselves that we choose instead to limit ourselves.

free gunfight at the o k corral movie download Some of us think we are “average” or “middle class” or “worker bees” or “mid-level managers.” As we label ourselves, we limit ourselves. We set ourselves apart from those who succeed at the highest levels. It’s almost like we are mentally delineating the career “haves” and the career “have nots,” and are literally choosing to place ourselves with the “have nots” because we don’t see ourselves with the same potential and possibility that the superstars exhibit.

Why?

When your mother is very ill and your heart is breaking, you want an e-mail like the one my close friend sent me. It was filled with hope and support and love and friendship.

I never acknowledged it.

When I called her to talk, she asked if I were angry. Why hadn’t I responded?

I hadn’t responded because I never received the e-mail.

I know of at least ten e-mails that haven’t gotten to me in the last few months. Those are the ones I’ve found out about and been able to rectify. What worries me are the ones I don’t find out about. Kind words from friends or well-wishers. Inquiries about speaking opportunities. How many people think I have snubbed them when the culprit is some technological glitch?

Then I start to wonder how many e-mails I’ve sent that have gone unacknowledged. I assumed they just ignored the e-mail. But, maybe they didn’t even get it.

If it’s a personal e-mail, this kind of mess-up can really hurt feelings. If it is a business e-mail, it can hurt the bottom line. I wonder what we can about it, short of everyone having to r.s.v.p. within 24 hours for every e-mail, which is ridiculous, or just getting rid of e-mail altogether and resorting to good old human contact. That is also ridiculous because none of us has time for that anymore.

Let me know at fawn@hardwonwisdom.com . I’ll write back.

If I get the e-mail.

I know a lot of us have a problem confronting those who undermine us or flat-out knife us in the back. We’re afraid that, if we say something, our words will be distorted, spread around and used to hurt us even more. So, we remain silent.

Silence, of course, suggests you condone what happened.

If you are afraid to directly spell out the crime, you can always resort to my secret method of confrontation. Once something has happened, just go up to the person who did it and say, “I know what you did.”

The person gets all out-of-sorts and starts demanding details. “What? What did I do? What are you saying?”

You respond, “I know what you did. I am not going to engage further, but I want you to know you did not get away with it.”

Then, walk away. It is so beautifully effective and absolutely simple.

Is it as good as a direct confrontation where you spell things out and put everything in the open? Generally not. But sometimes, you end up in conflicts with gossippy people who will continue to damage you if you engage. Just know that it is an option.

“Fawn,” my mother said. Her eyes brightened with recognition, thrilled by the surprise visit. “I’m so happy…”

That was an extreme moment of clarity from a once brilliant woman who has faded into the fog of Alzheimer’s and has been in a nursing home now for three years. She’s not doing well this week — she has the MRSA infection throughout her body and we’ve gotten a mixture of reports from her caregivers. They range from hopeful to dark, and there is a thread of seriousness and worry that connects them all. This is a tough time, and it confounds me because she seems healthy on the outside.

My mom had a major stroke in 1992 when she was 66 years old. The signs of Alzheimer’s appeared eight years ago. My father took care of her until he literally wore his back out and we had to let her go to a nursing home three years ago. It is a place where she is happy and feels safe.

I don’t think anyone would have imagined she would have willed her way into her eighties, but that is what she did. Instead of becoming depressed over her loss of independence and mobility, she embraced life fully, finding joy in everything she did. I think of that all the time, because I sometimes get so wound up in the demands of the day that I forget how meaningless those hassles are.

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Mom can’t communicate much, but she can communicate love. That is what has kept her going and has filled her life with more meaning than most able-bodied, fully-alert people have.

I’d like you to meet her. She’s the most amazing woman I have ever met. This short video tells you a truly inspiring story.

You have GOT to see this…

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I always tell people to know their passions and indulge them.

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When I was in college, I studied journalism and photography. When I got to my first newspaper after I graduated, I had to make a choice between being a reporter and being a photographer. Reporting won. But, all these years later, I love capturing the moment with my camera. So, here are a few shots from my Alaska gallery that I shot while on a cruise two weeks ago. That old passion for photography still lives in me.

And here is a shot taken of me just enjoying the whole experience:

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I am about to admit something embarrassing. It goes back a couple of decades, to my first years as a reporter out of college. My old boss at The Florida Times-Union got himself one of those Commodore computers in the early days of the home PC and figured out a way to categorize and calculate how reporters were performing. We’d get points for the number of stories we produced and the placement of the stories. If the stories were scoops or blockbusters, we got bonus points.

At the end of the month, good ol’ Nick Bournias (still one of my favorite bosses) would publish his “Nicky Points,” ranking us from first to worst.

We’d all commiserate about his stupid rating system, griping that we weren’t manufacturing shoes but rather, performing an immeasurable public service as journalists.

When I finally left the paper, Nick published a special edition of his newsletter, praising me for all the times I was on the very top of that list and teasing me for the times I was on the very bottom.

It was so true.

What was it they used to say? “When you’re hot, you’re hot. When you’re not, you’re not.”

Well, I’ll admit it.

I’ve been through plenty of spells when I was not hot. Or warm. Or even lukewarm. My performance was excruciatingly cold.

And, I wish I could write this in past tense, as though my slumps were all a thing of the past, but there are weeks when, as a writer, I am on fire and weeks when I am in recharge mode.

Sometimes my brain needs a break.

Remember that. Brains need breaks.

Bosses label those spells when we shut down or slide from excellence into mediocrity as slumps, but, I see those moments as crucial brain vacations that let me recharge my batteries so I can perform again. It took a lot of years for me to learn that I can’t drive in fifth gear every day without completely burning out my internal shifters. I remembered that when I became a manager and saw my people go through the same experience.

We need those down periods so we have the energy to perform when the time comes. We do not have an inexhaustible supply of energy; we have limits. Success comes in cycles. It is never a straight shot from earth into the stratosphere, so when you catch yourself sliding a little, don’t panic. It has happened to everyone.

I’m looking for tenants for a lovely four-bedroom home that I purchased out of foreclosure and renovated recently. Interest in the house has been intense and immediate, and I’ve shown it so many times now that I am exhausted.

Every single person, save one, is coming out of a foreclosure or bankruptcy. I am seeing, up close, what the economy is doing to good, decent people who happily thought they were living their version of the American Dream, only to find they had to escape some kind of financial nightmare. I don’t judge them at all, especially since seeing the kinds of people I have been meeting as they try to pick up the pieces and rebuild for themselves and their families. These are good people with bad problems.

These are heartbreaking times for Americans who are truly struggling. I often tell people that it is in these moments of self-definition that we find our greatest opportunities to define ourselves and create our greatest successes. That may seem way too Pollyanna to say to someone who has just lost a home or has suffered the indignity of a bankruptcy, but I believe it so strongly.

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You can either submit to adversity or overpower it. It comes down to mindset. There is more than enough bad news to convince you that the timing is bad, the economy is in the tank and the future is bleak. If you give energy to the negativity, you will fall victim to it — just like most people. But, if there is an amazing amount of opportunity and good fortune available to those people who keep moving forward, ignoring the bad news and zooming past those people who just give up.

free striptease Yes, there is serious trouble in our economy.

Yes, people are losing their homes and jobs.

Yes, we all feel pain every time we pay these gas prices.

But, the world has not stopped. There is still opportunity and fortune available for those who push past these obstacles and keep envisioning real success.

The message that has been most heartening from some of the potential tenants I have been meeting is that the finality of a foreclosure and bankruptcy is followed by a sense of relief. They have unburdened themselves. They are free to start over and succeed again.

I wish them so many great things.

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Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books and speaks to corporations and organizations about courages and creative leadership strategies.

I just had a meeting with a woman who is starting her own business — slowly. She saved money, then quit her job to start her own company. She’s distracted by her freedom, making time to do errands, clean the house and work-out.

And that’s fine. If she’s just taking a vacation.

But, if her success vision is not the most important priority she’s got, she will fail. She’ll fail knowing that success wasn’t important enough for her to make the commitment that comes only with hard, difficult work and sometimes torturous learning.

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I am surprised that I so easily found the self-discipline to work at home and be self-employed. I quit my job as a journalist to write my first book and encountered every possible obstacle that delayed my success for years and made me wonder what would become of me. There were so many obstacles that, upon driving through the toll booth on a local bridge, I wondered if I could find employment as a toll-taker.

The one thing I knew was that I was doing everything I possibly could to ensure my success. I worked so hard. I bounced back every time my book was rejected, every time something else told me to just give up and find a job. It was the hardest challenge of my life, and the most valuable learning experience.

What I learned is that you have to run strong and hard and with so much determination that you believe you will combat your obstacles and win — regardless. There is no room for self-doubt. There is also no room for distraction, procrastination or laziness. From the time you start your own business, the clock is ticking until you either succeed or run out of resources. You can’t waste a single minute.

I was able to make it work by starting every Monday knowing exactly what I would accomplish that week that would push me closer to achieving my goal. I knew what I’d have to accomplish every single day. If I had to work a 20-hour day, I had to work it.

I walked away with the big prize. Freedom. My reward is the ability set my own hours and be in charge of my own destiny doing work that is meaningful and challenging for me.

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But, freedom is a privilege. It is absolutely earned. Success will not come to you. You won’t achieve anything significant or lasting if there is the tiniest crack in your commitment. You can’t be in this challenge part-way, because if you are, you will fail.

If you are in it to win, make yourself win. If you are just taking a temporary powder from your career, that’s fine. Book a cruise, enjoy the heck out of it,  then go find a job.

 Fawn Germer is the best-selling author of four books and speaks to corporations and organizations about courages and creative leadership strategies.